
Book -. 



Etiquette and Entertaining 



APPEARANCES 

How to keep them up on 
a Limited Income 

BY 

Mrs ALFRED PRAGA 

Author of ^^ Starting Housekeeping,''^ 
*' Dinners of the Day,^^ etc. 



Crown 8vo, Is. ; by post Is. 3d. 



Second Edition 



The Queen. — " Her teaching possesses 
a distinct value ; her counsels are 
distinctly counsels of perfection. 
' Appearances ' is both suggestive and 
valuable ; one welcomes the book as 
an attempt to prove that a limited in- 
come does not necessarily entail slip- 
shod housekeeping or coarse cookery." 



JOHN LONG, Publisher, London 



ETIQUETTE 

AND 

ENTERTAINING 



By 



Mrs L. Heaton Armstrong 

Author of 

Etiquette for Girls," "The Etiquette of Parties,' 
"Good Form," "Letters to a Bride," Etc. 




- ^ Lc^don 

John Long 

13 and 14 Norris Street, Haymarket 



1903 

All Rights Reserved 



^■^^.'^^^ 









CONTENTS 



CARDS .... 

CARD-LEAVING 

INTRODUCTIONS 

"at home'' DAYS . 

LUNCHEON-PARTIES 

DINNERS .... 

DINNER .... 

DINNER-TABLE DECORATION 

DANCES .... 

JUVENILE PARTIES . 

WEDDINGS 

WEDDING TEAS 

A SILVER WEDDING 

A WOODEN WEDDING 

GARDEN PARTIES . 

CHRISTMAS PARTIES 

A NEW year's eve PARTY 

A "white PARTY" . 

"at home" evenings . 
winter parties . 

"progressive HEARTS" 
A DEVICE PARTY . 
THEATRE PARTIES . 

5 



CONTENTS 





PAGE 


CLUB PARTIES 


IIO 


MOURNING . . . . . 


115 


MOV^-^il^G—coJitmued . 


119 


TRAVELLING 


123 


COUNTRY-HOUSE VISITS . 


127 


TIPS . . . . 


132 


AT THE SEASIDE .... 


137 


AT A FOREIGN WATERING-PLACE . 


14? 


INDEX 


145 



ETIQUETTE AND 
ENTERTAINING 



CARDS 

Many of the rules of etiquette are like 
the laws of the Medes and Persians, 
fixed and unalterable, but the fashions 
in visiting-cards alter slightly from year 
to year. Society women introduce little 
changes from time to time — shibboleths 
by which they may recognise the elect. 
The fashion of "At home" days has effect- 
ed quite a revolution in the customs 
of card-leaving, and it is now correct 
to leave cards on paying a first call, 
whether the hostess is at home or not. 
Some years ago this would have been 
considered quite an improper proceed- 
ing, but com.mon sense shows us that 
leaving the visiting-card is the only way 
of showing the hostess when she can 
return the call. 

Visiting-cards are more often sent by 
post than was formerly considered cor- 
rect, and the neophyte is often puzzled 
as to when this is permissible and when 
it is not. It is never allowable after en- 
tertainments : putting a visiting-card into 
an envelope and posting it can never 
form a substitute for paying a call. The 
hostess has had plenty of trouble in en- 
tertaining you, whether she has invited 
7 



8 ETIQUETTE 

you to a dinner-party, reception or ball, 
and it is only proper that you should 
pay her the compliment of calling on her 
afterwards ; and if you can tell her how 
much you have enjoyed it, so much 
the better. Cards of inquiry cannot be 
sent by post for a similar reason ; a card 
sent in this way would be no compli- 
ment, because the object of the call is 
to obtain news of the state of the in- 
valid. Cards of inquiry must be either 
left in person or sent by a servant — they 
must never be sent by post. It is not 
so very long ago since it was considered 
quite a solecism to send a visiting-card 
by post, and our friends had to find 
out our " At home " day by degrees, 
Visiting-cards are now so often sent by 
post that special envelopes for the pur- 
pose have been brought out by the 
stationers — tiny envelopes adorned with 
the crest or monogram, and just a 
thought larger than a visiting-card. 
Many ladies send out their visiting- 
cards in these envelopes at the com- 
mencement of the season, so that their 
friends mayknowoftheir "At home" day. 
The change-of-address cards are sent in 
the same way, and also a change of 
"day." The visiting-card is not infre- 
quently used as an invitation card when 
an entertainment is got up hurriedly at 
the end of the season. Even the Duchess 
of Sutherland sent out her visiting-cards 
in this way at the end of July ; writing 
" Come and dance," or " Come and 
dine," as the case might be. When 
time is an object, visiting-cards have 
their uses, as one always has them in 



CARDS 9 

the house, so they can easily be sent off 
on the spur of the moment. The large 
square "At home " card is, of course, cor- 
rect for all ceremonious invitations. A 
visiting-card would only be used for an 
informal affair. 

P.P.C. cards are sometimes sent by 
post, and this is an innovation which 
must commend itself to people of good 
sense. It is all very well for ladies who 
have carriages to drive round with their 
cards of leave-taking ; but it is a tire- 
some operation enough for people who 
are not so fortunately circumstanced. 
P.P.C. cards must be left if a long 
absence is contemplated, as hostesses 
might send dinner invitations, and be 
inconvenienced by delay in reply. But 
the trouble of leaving these cards in per- 
son is very great, and it is additionally 
tiresome when the time is short before 
departure. A few professional people 
first had the courage to make the new 
departure and send their P.P.C. cards 
by post. Society folk caught at the 
idea, and now quite a number of people 
send their P.P.C. cards in this expedi- 
tious fashion. 



CARD-LEAVING 

With regard to the ordinary routine of 
card-leaving, there is very little novelty 
to describe. A young lady under chap- 
eronage used not to have visiting-cards 
of her own, her name being printed 
underneath her mother's instead. So 
many girls follow some special avoca- 
tion at present, such as literature or art, 
that it has become quite usual for Miss 
Debutante to have a visiting-card all to 
herself. Joint cards can still be used for 
social purposes if required ; but it is 
evident that a professional card cannot 
contain the name of a chaperon. If a 
young lady were calling on a publisher 
or an editor, for example, she would not 
send up her mother's card — it would 
look like trying to import a social 
element into a business transaction. 

A card should always be sent up 
beforehand at a business interview, 
when calling on an editor or a lawyer, 
for example, or inquiring about the 
character of a servant. Cards are never 
sent up beforehand when the visit is of 
a social character. The cards are sup- 
posed to be left on the hall-table on the 
way out, though, as a matter of fact, 
nearly all smart people pop them down 
on the way up. There are two reasons 
for this. In the first place, one is apt to 
forget them on the way out ; in the 
second, if the host is at home, he will 

lO 



CARD-LEAVING ii 

probably come down to the hall to see 
you out, and it is awkward to leave a 
card in his presence. 

If young ladies have their names 
printed on their mother's card, their 
names are placed immediately under- 
neath hers, thus : — 

Lady Smith. 

Miss Smith. 

Miss Beatrice Smith, 
(or " The Misses Smith " if preferred). 
When a widower is left with daughters 
who are old enough to enter into society, 
he usually has their names printed under- 
neath his own, the visiting-card in this 
case being the size of a lady's, and 
slightly bordered with black. 

Turning down the corner of a card 
has two meanings. It means that the 
owner has left it in person, and also 
that all the ladies in the house are in- 
cluded in the visit. Supposing a lady 
has two daughters, we can either leave 
two cards (one for the mother and one 
for the daughters) or else one card with 
the corner turned down. A gentleman's 
card is never turned down in this way, 
because there might be young unmarried 
ladies in the house, and a gentleman 
must not leave cards on young girls. 

Nearly all visiting and card-leaving 
falls on the ladies of the family, as gentle- 
men's engagements sometimes prevent 
them from making calls. A wife leaves 
cards for her husband, and very often 
for her sons (supposing the latter to be 
acquainted with the friends on whom 
she is calling). If she is calling on a 
married couple she leaves one of her 



12 ETIQUETTE , 

cards and two of her husband's (one 
for the master of the house and one 
for the mistress). If she is calling on 
a widow she leaves one of her husband's 
cards and one of her own, if on a young 
single lady one of her own. 

Visiting - cards should be of good 
quality but perfectly plain in style. No- 
thing eccentric looks well on a visiting- 
card ; one must be content to follow the 
crowd in this respect. I know one 
woman who struck out a line for herself 
with some success, substituting grey 
visiting - cards for the ordinary white 
ones. Grey was her passion at the 
moment, all her stationery being of this 
colour, relieved by a red monogram — 
her name in a tangle of letters going 
down one side of the page. But several 
of her friends adopted the idea of the 
grey visiting-cards, so she gave it up 
after a while. I think there is some- 
thing to be said in favour of the idea ; 
a grey card is not so easily read as a 
white one, but it does not soil so easily. 
Some people have the edge of their 
cards rounded so as to prevent them 
getting untidy, but a plain card looks 
the best. 

I met a lady novelist some time since, 
who had some very peculiar cards. 
They were made very long and narrow, 
so as to fit a wallet-shaped case, which 
she much affected ; and her name was 
printed in large firm characters — the /ac- 
simile of her autograph. The ordinary 
visiting-card has the name of the owner 
printed in the centre, with her address at 
the left-hand lower corner and her " At 



CARD-LEAVING 13 

home " day opposite it, or else at the left- 
hand upper corner, either in a straight 
or diagonal line. Many ladies have their 
club address printed on their cards; it 
should be at the right-hand lower corner 
if so, opposite the private address. 

There should never be any delay in 
taking out a card. Watch how nimbly 
a society woman picks her card out of 
her card-case, and pops it down like a 
flash of lightning, and then note the 
time that it takes the country cousin to 
perform the same operation. Nothing 
looks worse than to fumble for a card ; 
it looks as if a person were quite unused 
to society. All awkwardness can be 
prevented by the use of a little fore- 
thought. Always put one card by itself 
in the front compartment of your card- 
case, then you can get it out swiftly and 
neatly whether your gloves are thick or 
thin. 



INTRODUCTIONS 

When to introduce, how to do it, and 
when to let it alone — these things may- 
sound simple to the neophyte, but they 
are not always easy even to the most 
experienced. Anyone who has mastered 
the art of introduction has mastered the 
art of society — understanding the rela- 
tive position of people and the art of 
bringing them pleasantly together. 

Much good is often effected by a use- 
ful introduction, and nothing is more 
annoying than an unwelcome one — 
when a careless hostess, in the joy of 
her heart, drags you up to the very 
person you have been trying to avoid 
for years. It is sometimes a little diffi- 
cult to forgive the person who has per- 
petrated this outrage, and I am afraid 
one always has a feeling of owing her a 
grudge for having introduced the un- 
desirable acquaintance. It is more 
annoying when there was no real 
necessity for effecting the introduction. 
It is quite conceivable that circum- 
stances might arise which would make 
it absolutely necessary to bring together 
two people who have no desire for 
acquaintance, but no one likes it done 
without excuse. Unwelcome intro- 
ductions are more often made from 
ignorance than from any other reason 
— the hostess gets flurried and fancies 
she must effect the introduction when, 
14 



INTRODUCTIONS 15 

perhaps, there is not the slightest ne- 
cessity for it. It may possibly be 
useful to state when introductions are 
necessary and when they are simply 
optional. 

Introductions are, of course, necessary 
at a dinner-party. The guests have no 
choice in the matter. If you were sent 
in to dinner with your bitterest enemy 
you could not refuse his escort ; neither 
could he object to escorting you. There 
would have to be a truce during dinner 
— even if it were for that occasion only ! 

Introductions should always be made 
at a dance. Permission is not always 
asked of the lady in this instance, as it 
is assumed that she will be pleased to 
have partners presented to her. On 
the other hand, a ball-room introduc- 
tion does not count for much afterwards 
— it is quite optional whether the lady 
recognises the gentleman next time she 
meets him out. It is more graceful for 
her to do so (personally, I think it is 
rather horrid of a woman to dance with 
a man one night and cut him the next), 
but she is free to drop the acquaintance 
if she desires to do so. 

Another time in which introductions 
are absolutely necessary is in the case 
of a house-guest. When a person has 
a guest under her roof it is her duty to 
introduce her to everyone who comes 
to the house or whom she happens to 
meet when she is with her. The same 
thing holds good with regard to the 
guest ; it is her duty to introduce to 
her hostess any acquaintance who calls 
on her or whom she happens to meet 



i6 ETIQUETTE , 

in society. Supposing the guest were 
at the theatre with her hostess, and 
a gentleman came into the box to 
speak to her, it would be very improper 
of her not to present him to her hostess 
before entering into conversation with 
him. 

Introductions must always be made 
to a celebrity. Supposing that a party 
is invited " to meet " some distin- 
guished person, the members of it will 
not like to go away without having had 
a word with him. He is there to be 
seen and to be spoken to ; he is already 
on a high pinnacle, so to speak, and it 
is incumbent on him to make himself 
pleasant to all and sundry. 

Introductions are distinctly desirable 
on " At home " days. A popular hostess 
is always one who introduces a good 
deal. It is much nicer to introduce 
each new arrival to the rest of the 
company on an " At home " day, and, 
indeed, it is almost necessary when only 
a few people are present. But a hostess 
need not think she is absolutely obliged 
to introduce one set of callers to another. 
It is awkward not to do so, but it will 
be still more awkward to effect the in- 
troduction if there is some very decided 
reason for the contrary. Supposing that 
the wife of a vicar was entertaining some 
very great lady, and that a very vulgar 
woman came in who lived next door to 
the latter — to effect an introduction in 
this case would not earn the undying 
gratitude of the superior in rank. The 
vicar's wife should try to avoid effecting 
this very unwelcome presentation, know- 



INTRODUCTIONS 17 

ing that the aftermath would be dis- 
tinctly unpleasant. 

To refuse an introduction is a very- 
unpleasant thing ; on the other hand, it 
is highly undesirable to effect it when 
wished for by only one of the parties. 
Everyone wants to know Mr Somebody, 
but Mr Somebody will not thank you 
for bringing along Mr Nobody. Luckily 
there is one golden rule in a case of this 
kind which everyone who goes much 
into society would do well to lay to 
heart — when in doubt, consult the 
superior in rank as to whether the 
introduction is desired. Supposing Mr 
Nobody says to you, " Will you intro- 
duce me to Mr Somebody ? " it is best 
to say, " Yes, I shall be delighted ; I will 
make an opportunity directly." Then 
go to Mr Somebody, when you can do 
so unobserved, and ask if you might 
bring up Mr Nobody. "Would you 
mind? It would be very good-natured 
of you. But there isn't the least occa- 
sion if you dislike it ; he will not know 
I have asked." If a cheerful assent is 
given, so much the better — your task 
is pleasanter ; but if the reply is in the 
negative you must manage to evapor- 
ate in the crowd and avoid Mr Nobody 
until the great man is gone. If re- 
viled, you must answer with apologies, 
giving discreet murmurs such as the 
following, " I couldn't get near him ! 
He was so surrounded ! " or " He was so 
tired, I really couldn't introduce any- 
one else to him ! You must forgive me. 
It would have been cruelty to animals. 
Another time we must hope for better 



i8 ETIQUETTE, ! 

luck ! " Such are the smiling insin- j 
cerlties uttered by the skilful hostess ; : 
but she will be more skilful if she exer- i 
cises forethought, and only invites people I 
together who are in the same set — who | 
will be pleased to know one another if 
they do not do so already. > 

As for the remaining part of my subject 
— how to introduce — this ought to be : 
simple enough if people would only re- ; 
collect one rule — always to present the 
inferior to the superior. Introduce the 
commoner to the person of rank, the | 
unmarried to the married, and (above all 
things !) the gentleman to the lady. It 
is an unpardonable error to say, " May ' 
I introduce Miss Dash to Mr Blank," ^^ 
or (as some ignorant girls say) " When 
/was introduced to kzm/" It follows 
that the name of the inferior is men- 
tioned first, and this is what makes it so ^ 
difficult for people to recollect. Instinct 
makes them wish to mention the most ] 
important name first, but instinct is j 
wrong in this case. The more import- 
ant person is the one to consult (in case ' 
of doubt), but the name of the inferior \ 
must be put first. So it must be " Mr I 
So-and-So — Lord Dash"; " Miss Brown | 
— Mrs Jones " ; " Mr Blank — Miss i 
Smith." Clearness of articulation is I 
distinctly desirable, but how seldom it | 
is heard ! How often does the confused j 
utterance of the hostess frustrate the very i 
purpose for which the speech of presenta- | 
tion was made ! The person introduced ; 
to us may possess a name full of thrilling \ 
associations ; he may be a great traveller, i 
a great politician, or a great novelist — | 



INTRODUCTIONS 19 

someone whom we may have always 
desired to see ! He may be any of 
these. He may (as in the case of Mr 
Justin McCarthy, for example) be all 
three rolled together — but " Mr Mumble 
Mumble" leaves us cold. I don't know 
why people are so apt to become in- 
coherent when they introduce, but I 
fancy the uncertainty as to which name 
to place first may have something to do 
with it. It is a little troublesome to 
attract the attention of both persons, as 
is necessary if the introduction is not to 
be a fiasco, and this may also impart an 
element of nervousness into what ought 
to be done in the most easy and natural 
way in the world. 



"AT HOME" DAYS 

There is very little fresh to say about 
the fashion of " At home " days ; it is 
a function that is thoroughly under- 
stood. Like many other pleasant 
things, it is a fashion that we have 
borrowed from our French neighbours 
— across the Channel it has always 
been understood that it was correct to 
call on Madame on her particular day. 
In London we also find this extremely 
convenient. The afternoon is full of en-- 
gagements ; there are ?natinees, concerts, 
visits, all the busy round of London 
life — no room is left for casual callers. 
What can be more trying than to be 
stopped by a visit from an acquaint- 
ance just as you are starting off for a 
long round of afternoon engagements ? 
There are only two courses open — 
to speak out at once or not at all. 
Either tell your friend of your engage- 
ments or else cheerfully give them up 
without a word. Sometimes it is pos- 
sible to invite your friend to accompany 
you so that you can talk on the way, 
but this cannot always be done. One 
feels less compunction at refusing the 
chance visitor if one can tell her that 
if she comes on Thursday or Friday, as 
the case may be, she will always find 
us at home. One has a day as much 
20 



"AT HOME" DAYS 21 

for the convenience of one's friends as 
for one's self, and one is glad to think 
that an acquaintance who lives at a 
distance should be saved a fruitless 
journey. 

" At home " days are of several kinds, 
the entertainment varying according to 
the ideas of the lady of the house. The 
invitation is the same in any case — 
simply the visiting-card with "Thurs- 
days" or "1st Friday" printed in one 
corner. The right-hand corner (oppo- 
site the address) is generally chosen, 
but some people prefer the " At 
home " day to be placed at the left- 
hand side at the top. Some people 
write the dates at the top of the card, 
supposing that their day comes very 
seldom — let us say once a month. 
The dates are a help to the visitors in 
remembering the day, and the hostess 
is much more likely to have a crowd 
if she takes the trouble to write them. 
A little while since it was considered 
very improper to send a visiting-card 
by post, but the fashion of " At home " 
days has altered all this, as a visiting- 
card is now an invitation. " At home " 
cards are frequently sent by post, either 
at the commencement of the season or 
if the hostess changes her address. In 
old times an " At home " day used to be 
mentioned in a somewhat surreptitious 
way, but the fashion of sending invita- 
tions for it through the post is now 
thoroughly recognised. 

Some hostesses like a great crowd on 
their " At home " days, whilst others 
pride themselves chiefly on being select. 



22 ETIQUETTE \ 

I think that an anxiety to have the ; 
rooms full is apt to tend in the direction i 
of vulgarity. I often hear ladies im- ; 
ploring people to come to their "At ; 
homes," and scolding them violently if ^ 
they don't ! It seems to me to be quite- 
the wrong way to set to work ; people : 
ought to seek for an invitation to a ; 
lady's reception, they ought not to re- ; 
quire to be whipped up like the dumb - 
driven cattle of the poet. Of course, if \ 
a lady did not meet with sufficient | 
response to her invitations, it would be i 
proper for her to drop her day alto- j 
gether ; but, as a rule, people are only .j 
too glad to avail themselves of invita- j 
tions of this kind. 

The success of a " day " depends to a ' 
great extent on the individuality of the I 
hostess ; she must have the art of \ 
managing a crowd and yet be so ■ 
pleasant if only one visitor came that ! 
he would think himself fortunate to 
have found her alone. Plenty of intro- 
ductions are required on an " At home " j 
day or else a harmonious circle cannot i 
be formed. It is best to introduce each ; 
visitor to the next as she enters (unless .; 
there is any special reason to the con- j 
trary), as long as the circle is small and \ 
a general conversation is desirable. The j 
hostess should put on a pretty dress on | 
her " At home " day ; a nice toilette is ' 
a compliment to her friends. It is 
better for her not to be too smart if; 
she is not certain of having a good i 
many visitors. A very ornate tea-gown ; 
looks ridiculous, for example, unless 
there is beaucoup de monde ; whilst a | 



"AT HOME" DAYS 23 

plainer dress seems more in keeping 
with a simple style of receiving. I 
have an awful memory of a little lady 
— a newly-rich person — whom I once 
called upon on her " At home " day and 
f-)und in a gorgeous drawing - room, 
all alone, in a bright yellow tea-gown 
with a host of yellow teacups laid out 
on a side-table in readiness for visitors 
who never came. Her conversation was 
uninteresting and provincial, and her 
small flat was decorated in a style 
which was perfectly palatial. I went 
on fron. her to a charming woman who 
lived in the same neighbourhood, and 
happened to have the same day. It 
happened that I was the only visitor 
again, but it felt like a fortunate acci- 
dent My friend was so interesting that 
it seemed delightful to have her alone. 
She wore a simple dress, something 
plainly made and of a neutral tint ; her 
room looked quiet and refined. We sat 
by the fire and had a delightful chat, 
and I wa.' charmed to have found her 
by herself. What made the difference ? 
The circumstances were identical, yet 
the results were exactly opposite. The 
reason was simply this — one woman 
had mastered the art of entertaining, 
the other had not. 

With regard to refreshments, nothing 
but tea is required on the ordinary " At 
home" day, with bread and butter and 
cakes. The hostess pours out the tea 
herself and hands it to her guests. If 
an " At home " day is on a large scale, 
the hostess will not have the time to 
attend to the tea herself. In this case 



24 ETIQUETTE 

it is better to have it served in a 
separate room, with a servant standing 
behind the buffet to pour out. The 
refreshments might be a little more 
elaborate in this case, including tea and 
coffee, claret-cup, little sandwiches of 
various kinds, and every description of 
cake. 



LUNCHEON-PARTIES 

An invitation to a luncheon-party is 
generally conveyed through the medium 
of a friendly note ; printed cards would 
only be used if it was going to be a very 
ceremonious affair. Luncheon is sup- 
posed to be rather a feminine meal, so 
that ladies would not be offended if 
they found themselves in the majority, 
but a London hostess generally manages 
to invite about an equal number of 
either sex. 

Hostesses often give a luncheon-party 
for some particular object, such as to 
introduce some rising star to some per- 
sons who are likely to write about him, 
and others who are likely to take 
him up ; the reason of the gathering 
is well understood, though "to meet" 
is not written on the card. Apologetic 
luncheons are often given towards the 
end of the season to people whom the 
hostess feels she has been neglectful of 
during its progress, and there are many 
more instances of the luncheon - party 
given "with intention." When I hear 
of a luncheon-party being given I am 
often inclined to say with the Mock 
Turtle in Alice in Wonderland, "With 
what porpoise ? " The London hostess 
is like the fish in the sea, who, as it 
was explained to little Alice, never set 
out on a journey without some definite 
object in view. 

B 25 



26 ETIQUETTE 

Verbal invitations are often given for 
this informal meal, and I have known a 
hostess collect quite a large luncheon- 
party for the next day during the course 
of a stroll in the park on Sunday. 

Luncheon used to be informal in 
every way a little while since, but now 
it differs very little from a dinner, either 
with regard to the waiting or the food. 
Perhaps there are not quite so many 
courses as at dinner, and one begins 
with a slice of iced melon in the 
summer or hors-d'oeuvres in place of 
soup, but otherwise there is very little 
difference except that mayonnaise or 
dressed crab is served instead of fresh 
fish. Even " the roast " is not omitted, 
and I have several times been a witness 
to the sorrows of a near-sighted lady 
who accepted a serve of underdone beef 
under the impression that she was about 
to partake of York ham. 

When the visitor arrives she is shown 
into the drawing-room at once, she is 
not invited to leave her hat and jacket. 
If she had a heavy wrap she would give 
it to the servant in the hall. Visitors 
remain for such a short time after lunch 
that it would be very bad form for a 
guest to take off her bonnet, as though 
she were going to spend the day. A 
little knowledge of etiquette is a 
dangerous thing — a fact which was 
strongly borne in upon me the other 
day when one of my correspondents on 
a lady's paper wrote to ask me whether 
she ought to put on her bonnet when- 
ever she expected vistors to lunch. The 
lady was mixing up the duties of hostess 



LUNCHEON-PARTIES 27 

and guest, and I thought it was a curious 
example of what is vulgarly called get- 
ting hold of the wrong end of the stick. 
I must not forget to mention that the 
French etiquette with regard to toilette 
de dejeuner is exactly the opposite of 
our own, the ladies being invited to 
leave their hats and jackets in another 
apartment so that they may feel more 
at their ease. I saw this plan carried 
out rather ruthlessly by a great French 
celebrity, who gave a luncheon-party at 
her hotel in London, and insisted on 
the guests divesting themselves of their 
headgear and out -door wraps before 
they sat down to table. Those who 
were acquainted with French customs 
had come all ready with the smartest of 
blouses and most immaculate of coiffures, 
but I saw more than one lady, who had 
dressed in haste or else had depended 
for her effect on her outer raiment, mak- 
ing fruitless attempts to cling to the 
becoming hat or the tailor-made jacket, 
which like charity had covered a multi- 
tude of sins. 

The hostess often wears a pretty tea- 
jacket at a luncheon-party, or else some 
description of gown which is very evi- 
dently intended for indoor wear. What 
our lively neighbours call the//^'^-dress is 
well in place for her at an occasion of 
this kind. 

Introductions are usually effected dur- 
ing the interval before luncheon, so that 
conversation may become general dur- 
ing the meal General conversation is 
correct at lunch, it is different from 
dinner which so often resolves itself 



28 ETIQUETTE 

into a series of tete-d-tetes. The guests 
have more opportunity of conversing 
with their hostess at lunch than at any- 
other meal, and the talk is able to be 
more confidential if the servants are 
not present all the time. 

There is very little formality about 
going into luncheon, the transit from 
the drawing-room to the dining-room 
is effected with as little ceremony as 
possible. The servant announces that 
luncheon is ready, and the hostess pro- 
poses an adjournment to the dining- 
room, addressing the lady who is most 
distinguished in rank. If the master of 
the house is at home he escorts the 
principal lady guest, the other ladies 
would come next and then the hostess, 
the gentlemen following in her wake. 
The most distinguished lady sits next 
the host, and the most important 
gentleman next the hostess. When 
people drop in unexpectedly to lun- 
cheon no precedence is observed, but 
when a luncheon-party is given the host 
or hostess intimates to the guests where 
they shall sit. 

The decorations of a luncheon-table 
should be bright but not too formal. 
Anything heavy is out of place. Neither 
does a gorgeous table-centre look well 
at luncheon ; the hostess is wise if she 
concentrates her attention a good deal 
upon her tablecloth, which should be 
of the very finest that can be procured. 
Drawn thread work is always pretty in 
a tablecloth for lunch, also insertion in 
white lace, or monograms embroidered 
in white. Sometimes a little colour can 



LUNCHEON-PARTIES 29 

be introduced into the cloth with good 
effect. I saw a charming tablecloth 
lately at a luncheon-party embroidered 
all over with Chinese mandarins and 
junks and palm trees in pink flax thread ; 
a bowl of pink roses formed the centre- 
piece supported by a group of white 
china Cupids. Blue - and - white em- 
broidery looks well with a willow- 
pattern service, or yellow and white 
with pure white china. 

Luncheon is served d, la Russe, and 
coffee is given at the conclusion of the 
meal, either at the table or in the draw- 
ing-room. Liqueurs are handed at the 
same time. 

If the host is at home the gentlemen 
generally remain in the dining - room 
for a while before joining the ladies. 
If he is absent the guests sometimes 
make their exodus from the dining-room 
simultaneously, but very often the 
hostess gives the gentlemen permission 
to remain a little time over their wine. 



DINNERS 

I REALLY don't think there is any 
medium about dinners. They must be 
nice or nasty. Either everything is pleas- 
ant and the wheels of the machinery 
move noiselessly, or the affair is a 
miserable failure, wretched alike for 
host and guest. Who does not know 
the dinner at which the hostess wears 
a worried look and the host nags at 
the servants : where there are long 
waits between the courses, messed-up 
food and flurried servants, and a general 
impression that everything is going 
wrong ? The guests go away in the 
worst of tempers, and they feel as if 
they never want to go out to dinner 
again ! But a charming dinner-party 
in a delightful house will cure that 
feeling ; a dinner which is managed to 
perfection, where the food and the 
wines are of the best, well -chosen, 
sufficient, yet not superabundant; where 
the company is of the brightest, the 
service perfect, and the host and the 
hostess as happy and unconcerned as 
though they themselves were guests. 

All the conditions above-named can- 
not be commanded by all, but the 
essential points are within the reach of 
most. If the entertainers are not at- 
tempting too much, it is possible for 
them to be happy and untroubled. It 
is only when we are imitating a style 
30 



DINNERS 31 

of living which is above our means that 
we are liable to be anxious and dis- 
turbed. Let everything be done in 
proper style every day, and let the 
dinner by invitation merely represent 
our ordinary style of living at its 
best. 

Luckily, elaboration is somewhat out 
of date. Even the grandest dinners are 
marked by a certain attempt at sim- 
plicity. Your modern epicure likes to 
know what he is eating ! The aim of 
the modern chef is not to conceal the 
identity of the viands he is dressing, but 
to set them forth to the best advantage 
without doing any injustice to their 
individuality. In the matter of wines 
the same idea obtains. The modern 
bon-vivant does not wish for a great 
variety of wines, he has too much 
respect for his digestion ; if he takes 
champagne he does not care for many 
preliminary vintages, and it is more 
than possible that he prefers to drink 
nothing but claret from the beginning 
of dinner to the end. Let each article 
of food be the best of its kind, and 
cooked to perfection ; let it not be too 
hackneyed nor too early, but exactly 
at its best, and the true epicure will 
appreciate a dinner which is not pre- 
tentious but excellent in itself. 

The guests must be like the dinner — 
well-assorted, /2^?^<3;;^^^, and not too fine. 
The host is an important person atva 
dinner-party ; his name is invariably 
mentioned in the invitation, and this 
shows that he has an important part to 
perform. The dinner invitations are 



32 ETIQUETTE 

sent out in the names of " Mr and 

Mrs ," or if the informal note is 

adopted, it is " We hope you can come." 
The answer must be worded in the same 
style as the invitation ; the formal " At 
home " card must be replied to in the 
third person ; the friendly note by one 
in a similar style. 

The host and hostess shake hands 
with the guests as they arrive. The host 
tells the gentlemen which ladies they 
will take in to dinner, introducing them 
if they are not already acquainted. 
The host leads the way, with the most 
distinguished lady guest, the other 
guests follow according to precedence, 
and the hostess comes last of all, with 
the gentleman who is highest in rank. 
If the gentlemen are not sure as to the 
order in which they should proceed to 
the dining-room it is the hostess's place 
to let them know. She will say, " Will 
you go next, Sir Robert ? " or give him 
a sign that it is his turn, and he will 
then quickly offer his arm to the lady 
whom he has to take in to dinner. A 
gentleman offers his right arm to the 
lady he takes in to dinner because she 
is going to sit at his right hand. The 
host remains standing at the end of 
the table until everyone is seated so that 
he may show people where to sit if 
they are in doubt. 



DINNER 

A DINNER-PARTY is a much less formid- 
able afifair than it used to be some 
years ago. The dinner itself is not 
so long, as the modern epicure much 
prefers a few well-cooked dishes to 
a variety of mysterious entrees. The 
host, relieved of the necessity of carv- 
ing, is able to chat pleasantly to his 
neighbours, and conversation flows 
evenly along, unchecked by any re- 
ference to the mechanical part of the 
meal. It must have been terrible to 
go out to dinner in the days when the 
host carved and it was the fashion to 
press people to eat. Politeness in the 
days of our grandfathers also de- 
manded that no one should accept 
anything without first offering it 
to his neighbour, and the progress 
of dinner must have been greatly 
hindered by these strange little pas- 
sages of arms. It may have had its 
pleasant side too — the personal interest 
of the host, and the kindly attention of 
one's neighbours, but it is really much 
nicer to dine a la Russe, when the 
waiting is perfect, and the food appears 
at your elbow almost as noiselessly as 
though one were at the " White Cats " 
banquet, and one needs nothing more 
to express acceptance or refusal than 
the slightest word or gesture. The 
cumbersome epergne is never seen on 
33 



34 ETIQUETTE 

a modern table ; there ought to be 
nothing to exclude the sight of one's 
vis-a-vis. The custom of having 
dinner a la Russe has been good for 
the florists, for the long expanse of 
table must be prettily decorated now 
that the solid elements of the meal are 
no longer visible, and there is no excuse 
for having an ugly table. Flowers in 
glass specimen - vases are sometimes 
placed irregularly on the table, so as to 
give a negligent effect, but some host- 
esses prefer a set design — long sprays 
of orchids and ferns, radiating from the 
centre of the table, flowers placed in 
straw canoes or gondolas, or arranged 
as though they were growing on trees, 
the trunks made of virgin cork, and the 
boughs of green wire covered with as- 
paragus fern. The quantity of tiny silver 
sweet dishes which used to be liked so 
much are now considered somewhat too 
suggestive of a dressing-table. An ap- 
pearance of carelessness is prized above 
all — the favourite fancy of the moment 
is to get long branches of roses, roots 
and all, and lay them all along the table. 
The roses are wired to the stem, and the 
roots are carefully cleaned, and then 
partly veiled in asparagus fern, but the 
idea that the rose tree has been care- 
lessly plucked up by the roots and laid 
on the table is voted extremely charm- 
ing in this artificial age. 

The dinner is carved at the side-table 
by the butler, and two servants go all 
down the table at either side, offering 
the dishes to the guests in the order in 
which they are seated, without distinc- 



DINNER 35 

tion of sex. The dishes are first handed 
to the ladies on either side of the host, 
and from thence to the other guests. 
Hors-d'oeuvres used not to be thought 
of in the old-fashioned dinners; but now 
we should never dream of sitting down 
to table without something as an ap- 
petiser — a little caviare, or an anchovy, 
or a scrap of leber-wurst, or some olives. 
We have borrowed this idea from Russia 
along with the way of serving dinner. 
Perhaps in time we shall have our hors- 
cTceuvres served as they do, in a separate 
room instead of at the dinner-table. The 
Russian hors-d' cEuvres are served in the 
ante-room, on a number of little tables, 
and the guests walk from one to another, 
taking a little of whatever they fancy. 
It sounds a bit barbarous, but it may 
really pass the time more pleasantly 
than the dull conversation with which 
we try to embellish the mauvais quart 
d'heure. 

A few words as to the different courses 
may not be out of place at this point. 
The hors-d'oeuvres are generally handed 
round in a separate dish, and a little 
plate for them is given to each guest, 
with a small knife and fork laid upon 
it, If oysters are given they are not 
handed round, but are placed on a small 
plate in the centre of each cover, before 
the visitors enter the dining - room. 
Three or five oysters are given, and 
the thin brown bread and butter is 
handed round. Dinner now takes its 
accustomed way — soup, fish, two entrees, 
hot and cold), the joint, game, sweets, 
savouries, cheese, dessert. Sweets are 



36 ETIQUETTE 

not made so great a feature of as 
formerly, the wise hostess pays the most 
attention to her savouries. Chou au 
gratin, for example, is a very simple and 
inexpensive dish, but always appreciated 
by a true epicure, and how many nice 
dishes can be made out of cheese ! 
Fondus and souffles of cheese are always 
liked, when more elaborate dishes are 
passed by. 

Ice pudding is a favourite amongst 
sweets, and this is now generally served 
in the natural course of events, instead 
of just before the dessert. The hot and 
cold sweets are first offered, and then 
the ice pudding, which is eaten on an 
ordinary pudding-plate. A little while 
since it was the custom to hand the ice 
pudding just before dessert, the small 
glass ice-plate being put on the dessert- 
plate underneath the finger-bowl. 

With regard to the wine, sherry is 
offered with soup, champagne with the 
first entree, and then throughout the 
dinner ; claret is also offered, as many 
people take nothing else. Hock or 
Chablis is sometimes offered with fish, 
but people do not as a rule drink the 
variety of wines in which their grand- 
fathers delighted. And many people 
take no wine at all, and this is now so 
frequent as to attract little observation. 
ApoUinaris-water or soda-water should 
always be ready in syphons in case 
there are total abstainers among the 
guests. Liqueurs are handed round 
after ice pudding, or offered with the 
coffee. 

When dessert is finished the ladies 



DINNER 37 

leave the table, the hostess attracting 
the attention of the most distinguished 
lady guest by means of a bow, rising 
from the table as she makes it, the 
gentleman next the door (or the host) 
opens it, and stands beside it until all 
the ladies have passed out. The most 
distinguished lady leads the way, the 
hostess walking last. Coffee is then 
brought into the drawing-room, and it 
is afterwards served to the gentlemen in 
the dining-room. Tea is served in 
the drawing-room after the gentlemen 
have joined the ladies, and it is not 
the fashion for men to linger long 
over their wine. If no other guests are 
expected the evening is not kept up 
very late, eleven o'clock is about the 
time for departure in town, or half-past 
ten in the country. But in town a 
dinner-party is very often a mere pre- 
amble to an enormous reception which 
is kept up till the small hours, the 
evening being enlivened by professional 
singers or reciters, and all the latest 
novelties which can be procured. A 
palmist is often to be found at such 
a gathering, generally in some little 
room by herself with a queue of people 
waiting outside the door. 



DINNER-TABLE DECORATION 

Every hostess has her own ideas on 
the subject of dinner-table decoration, 
and some adhere to a certain style 
whatever may happen to be the fashion. 
Both high and low decorations are seen 
at present, but the consensus of opinion 
seems to be in favour of the latter, 
because they do not interfere with con- 
versation. 

Great ingenuity has been exercised 
by the florists in the invention of designs 
which shall be low and ornamental, for 
it is much easier to erect a high bank of 
flowers than to comply with the con- 
ditions above-mentioned. Perhaps one 
of the most successful forms is the 
crescent ; the flowers are placed in a 
low semi-circular trough, and finished 
off with an aigrette of taller blossoms 
at each side. Only low-growing flowers 
are used in the crescent itself — such as 
forget - me - nots or heart's-ease — and 
the aigrettes are a contrast, both in 
colour and style ; yellow miarguerites 
mounting guard over the myosotis, and 
white ones over the pansies. These 
crescents are placed at either side of 
the centre-piece, which may either con- 
sist of a large trophy of similar flowers 
or of blossoms placed in a silver bowl. 
38 



TABLE DECORATION 39 

Perhaps the favourite centre-piece con- 
sists of flowers arranged in a pyramidal 
form, so that none of the foundation 
shows. The lowest blossoms should 
start from the tablecloth, and look as 
though they grew entirely unsupported. 
A wire foundation is used in this case, 
but it is quite invisible. Long trails of 
flowers or foliage are sometimes placed 
round the base, more particularly smilax 
— most graceful of creepers. If the 
table is a long one, a little space may 
be filled up by dotting rosettes of 
flowers about at intervals. These 
rosettes are wonderfully pretty, con- 
sisting of a few flowers wired together, 
with a little fern and moss, so as to 
stand upright on the cloth. If a root 
of pansies or garden daisies was taken 
up and set straight on the table, the 
effect would be much the same. These 
dear little clumps are always very much 
admired, and they look well in half- 
blown roses, or azaleas, or in variegated 
pansies. 

The "bow centre" is another favourite 
form, and looks well in yellow marguer- 
ites or roses. The invisible foundation 
is in the shape of a bow, and the trophy 
is finished off with a large bow of satin 
ribbon of the same shade, the ends 
falling over on to the tablecloth. No 
silken table-centre is needed when the 
flowers are so decorative in themselves, 
but a transparent cloth is often used, 
laid over a foundation of coloured silk. 
Supposing that the decorations consisted 
of sweet peas in every shade, the 
tablecloth might be laid over pale 



40 ETIQUETTR 

pink silk, or yellow satin might gleam 
through the lace if the decorations 
consisted of Mar^chal Niei roses or 
yellow marguerites. Some hostesses 
adhere to the old-fashioned table-centre, 
but it is better to do without it if 
possible. 

The beauty of flower-stalks is quite a 
modern discovery, and some of the 
prettiest table decorations recently seen 
have owed their effect to long trails of 
rose-stalks, tied up with asparagus fern 
and laid carelessly on the table. Roses 
would form the centre-piece, placed in 
one of the huge silver bowls which are 
so much used for the purpose at present, 
and the long trails of foliage would be 
laid on the table at either side. Roses 
of every colour would be used in this 
design. Ribbons are occasionally intro- 
duced into floral designs, but always 
with a purpose, and not as an ornament 
in themselves. They are quite in place 
tying up a wealth of flowers, as in the 
bow-centre already described, or in a 
still flatter style of decoration in which 
bows of pale blue satin ribbon are laid 
on the cloth with sprays of pink roses 
drawn through the loop. One big bow 
should be laid in the centre of the table, 
and another at one side. The true 
lover's knot is the best shape for the 
centre bow. This is called the Pompa- 
dour style. 

Formality is not in favour at present. 
Sometimes any attempt at arrangement 
is laid aside, and the table is covered 
with roses, laid about in different 
directions, with gleams of old silver 



TABLE DECORATION 41 

or Dresden china showing here and 
there. But all the methods above 
described require great skill in the 
arrangement, and a good centre-piece 
is a considerable help to the amateur, 
^'iie prettiest one I have seen of late 
was in the shape of a rustic stile, with a 
little tree made of a blackthorn branch 
beside it. The lower part of the stand 
and the stile itself was made in some 
kind of metal, covered with pale green 
paint ; the blackthorn boughs were also 
covered with green. There were places 
at each side of the gate and on other 
parts of the stand in which flowers 
could be placed, and long trails of 
flowers or foliage could start from the 
base at every side. The whole eff"ect 
was most charming. 

The Japanese style of decoration is 
no longer new, but it makes a pleasant 
change when the hostess happens to 
be the possessor of some handsome 
Japanese bowls. The flowers chosen 
should be of the long-stalked and 
heavy-headed variety (such as purple 
iris or Japanese lilies), and only one 
kind should be placed in each receptacle. 
The flowers must stand quite upright, the 
ends of the stalks being held by a metal 
clip which is placed at the bottom of the 
bowl. Most of the art shops sell these 
fasteners for about a shilling each ; but 
they can easily be made at home with 
the aid of a little strip of tin bent into 
the requisite shape. Purple iris can be 
placed in one bowl, lilies or azaleas or 
apple-blossom in another. It does not 
matter whether the bowls are china or 



42 ETIQUETTE 

metal. A very few flowers can be 
made to go a long way by this method, 
and it also affords an opportunity for 
the display of good Oriental bowls. 
Any kind of flowering shrub looks well 
when used like this. 



DANCES 

I AM afraid it is only in novels that a 
girl has such a beautiful time at her first 
dance. We know that if the heroine 
goes to a ball she is always the belle of 
the evening ; she dances better than 
anyone else, though she has never had 
any lessons, and her faded muslin en- 
tirely eclipses all the smarter toilettes 
around. Now, in real life a first dance 
is not always such a pleasurable experi- 
ence, and a young girl's enjoyment is 
often a little damped by her natural 
timidity on making her first appearance 
in society. There is no more pitiable 
creature in the world than a girl who 
goes to a dance and does not enjoy 
herself. If she does not get plenty of 
partners she thinks that she is plain 
and that no one will ever care for her, 
and that she is quite different from the 
rest of the world. She envies the well- 
dressed young married woman who 
seems to get such a number of 
partners, and that bright young girl 
in rather a shabby frock who dances 
so well and seems to have so much to 
say. Most women can remember some 
such experience as this — even women 
who are socially successful in later life. 

I have often been amused by the 
extraordinary expression some young 
ladies put on in a ballroom, when they 
43 



44 ETIQUETTE 

are wondering whether anyone will 
come up and ask them to dance. 
" Don't look so cross," I once heard 
a girl whisper to her sister. " Nobody 
will ever ask you to dance if you look 
like that." Some girls are so dreadfully 
afraid that people should think they 
are looking out for partners, that they 
end by frightening everyone away. 
There is a sort of shyness which 
makes people look perfectly savage, 
and I have often seen this deplorable 
expression on the face of a youthful 
debutante. 

Truth to say, it is rather an ordeal 
for a girl, that sitting still on the bench 
beside her mother, and wondering if 
anyone will choose her. (Men would 
look worse under similar circumstances 
— we all know how terrible they look at 
a leap-year dance.) She is afraid to 
bow to the men she knows for fear they 
should think that she wants them to 
invite her to dance, and if she does not 
recognise them, they may not have the 
courage to come up. It is perhaps not 
the best moment for a bow, a girl is 
wiser to look round when she first 
enters the room, and give a bow and 
smile to those she knows before seating 
herself A girl's first ball-gown should 
be white. Pearls are the most suitable 
ornaments, and they are wonderfully 
becoming to a youthful complexion. 
A low dress is correct at a dance — at 
least it is in England. In France a 
young girl never ^^ decolts'' until she is 
engaged, when at the party given in 
honour of her betrothal, she wears a 



DANCES 45 

gown cut in a tiny V. Diamonds are 
much more worn by young people 
than was formerly the case; a diamond 
crescent in the hair is a pretty orna- 
ment, and I always think it looks much 
better above a young face than an old 
one. 

The town hostess is to be found at 
the head of the stairs, the country one 
at the drawing-room door. No one 
ever enters a ballroom arm-in-arm ; the 
chaperon comes first, her daughters 
follow her, the men of the party bring- 
ing up the rear. The hostess shakes 
hands with all her guests, and also 
with any friend whom they have 
brought. At large London balls people 
arrive very late, and the dancing is not 
carried on with any particular spirit. 
People look in at several balls during 
the course of the evening, they stand 
about and show off their toilettes, and 
talk to their friends, with now and then 
an incidental waltz. But at a young 
people's party everyone takes care to 
come early, for fear of not getting any 
partners — the men know that all the 
best dancers are snapped up at once at 
a Cinderella dance. The party only 
lasts from eight to twelve, and the 
cards of the good dancers get filled 
up as soon as they enter the ball- 
room. My readers would be sur- 
prised if they knew how many young 
ladies write to me to know what they 
should say when a young man asks 
them to dance. What do they want to 
say ? I can't imagine ! There is really 
no occasion to say anything, except, 



46 ETIQUETTE' , 

I 

" I shall be very pleased," or, " I am j 

afraid I am engaged." \ 

Another question I am always being ' 

asked by my correspondents is, whether i 

they shall take off their gloves at I 

supper. Of course that depends en- | 

tirely on what they eat, and as long \ 

ball-gloves are rather a trouble to take \ 

off perhaps the wearer is wise to con- | 

fine herself to things which can be , \ 

eaten with a fork. Sandwiches and I 

jelly do not necessitate the removal of i 

the gloves, but it would be necessary ■ 
to take them off if one had to break a 
roll, or to eat fruit. How many times 

you may dance with the same young j 

man is another question which I very ! 

often get. I invariably reply that three i 

times is sufificient, and four times quite 5 

the limit, but I never believe for a i 

moment that my advice about this | 

will be taken. i 

It is not correct to take leave of the j 

hostess at a dance, particularly if one is j 

leaving very early, when it is better to I 

slip away quietly, after the fashion that I 

our lively neighbours call, '''' partant en \ 

Anglais^ (All unceremonious habits .: 

are called English by the French i 

novelists, whilst pleasant manners are ' 

supposed to be entirely French.) A ' 

young girl would naturally tell her \ 
hostess how much she had enjoyed 

herself, and she must on no account \ 

forget to pay her duty call on the next ' 

" At home " day. i 



JUVENILE PARTIES 

Nothing is quite so tiring for the 
hostess as a juvenile party, yet nothing 
is more satisfactory, for she knows that 
her tiny guests have enjoyed them- 
selves, and that their relations have 
enjoyed seeing the little ones happy. 
The grown-up guest enters full of 
wreathed smiles, and departs spas- 
modically. " So kind of you to ask me ! 
So very pleased to have come ! " But 
the hostess knows that the entrance 
may have been preceded by "What a 
bore ! " and the exit by " How dull ! " as 
soon as she is safely out of hearing. 
But Tommy — he is all candour! He 
may enter shy and frigid, uncertain if 
he is going to enjoy himself, like a wild 
Indian in an unfriendly camp, but if he 
gradually relaxes — if he is pleased at 
the efforts to amuse him — and if he 
goes away saying, " It has been awfully 
jolly ! " is not the hostess rewarded } 
Is she not happy, as though trebly 
crowned, when she knows that if 
Tommy says, " It has been awfully 
jolly ! " he means it ? He would have 
said it was "a beastly party" if he 
had thought so — has been known to 
say it, at the top of his voice, at 
an entertainment where he was not 
entertained. 

January is the best time for a juvenile 
47 



48 ETIQUETTE 

party. The children are home for the 
holidays, and when once the Christmas 
festivities are over they are delighted 
to have something to anticipate. Making 
out the invitations is an interesting affair 
— writing the envelopes in painstaking 
round-hand, and putting in the names 
of the invites. The invitations are issued 
on " At home " cards bought from the 
stationer's, or they are sometimes in- 
scribed in the following fashion: — 
*' Nellie and Jackie request the pleasure 
of Maudie's company on Saturday, the 
6th, from 4 to 8 " (or from 4 to 
9, as the case may be). Christian 
names only are used when two families 
are intimate ; when the children are 
new acquaintances, " Master " and 
" Miss " and surnames would be used 
instead. 

It is a good thing to let children feel 
the responsibility of entertaining, how- 
ever little they are. The little hosts or 
hostesses should be posted at the door to 
receive their guests, their mother placing 
herself a little further inside the room 
(under the chandelier, for example) so 
that the first welcome to the guests 
comes from the children themselves. 
About half an hour should be allowed 
for the assembling of the guests — the 
little ones would like to start off directly 
after lunch if they could, there is never 
any fear of their being late ! — and then 
tea is announced, and the children form 
a procession into the tea-room. The 
eldest boy of the house leads the way 
with the little girl he prefers, the rest 
follow as they choose. The table is 



JUVENILE PARTIES 49 

prettily set out with pink flowers, pink 
sweetmeats, cakes iced with pink, and 
pink candles and candle-shades — nothing 
can be too dainty for the gay little com- 
pany which is seated round the table — 
the little company with golden hair and 
fair complexions. Tea and coffee are 
placed at one end of the table and served 
by the governess, and the servants wait 
on the children. Tea for the grown-up 
people is served at the same time in a 
separate apartment, the servants stand- 
ing behind the buffet to pour out, the 
gentlemen waiting on the ladies. When 
the older folk have finished their tea 
they go into the other room to watch 
the children having theirs, and when al 
the cakes are finished a general adjourn- 
ment is made to the drawing-room, 
when the games or the dances begin. 
"Blind-man's Buff," "General Post," 
"Puss in the Corner" — these have not 
lost their savour during the many years 
they have been played ; dancing is 
always delightful, particularly when it 
begins with the inspiriting polka and 
ends with Sir Roger de Coverley, or the 
Swedish dance where half the children 
kneel and clap their hands, whilst the 
rest run through their ranks to the top 
After the dance there is generally some 
entertainment in another room — conjur- 
ing, " niggers," " Punch and Judy," danc- 
ing dogs or marionettes — any little 
entertainment is well received, provided 
there is a distribution of toys at the end. 
If a very elaborate way of giving presents 
is preferred, such as a Christmas tree, 
fairy cave, or Santa Claus (acted, by one 



50 ETIQUETTE 

of the family, in a white wig and holly- 
wreath, with a sack of toys presided 
over by an attendant sprite), no other 
entertainment is needed, but the presents 
have to be many and varied if this is to 
be made a prominent feature. Some 
slight refreshment is offered before the 
party breaks up— lemonade, claret cup, 
sandwiches and cakes. This is served 
in the tea-room, the servants standing 
behind the buffet and the grown-up 
people waiting on the children. 

This generally concludes the evening, 
and the little ones go home to dream of 
their pleasant party and to wish for 
another next day. 



WEDDINGS 

The substitution of the wedding-tea for 
the wedding-breakfast has done away 
with a good deal of ceremony, but the 
etiquette to be observed at the church 
is quite as stringent as formerly. The 
first person to arrive at the church is 
the bridegroom, generally accompanied 
by the best man. Formerly it used to be 
the custom for the bridegroom to mope 
near the altar till the arrival of the bride, 
but now he not infrequently speaks to a 
few of his friends near the top of the 
church as they arrive. (It was the Duke of 
Portland who first made this innovation 
— but he was a very happy-looking 
bridegroom, the only one I ever saw 
who was completely at his ease.) The 
next people to arrive are the brides- 
maids, and they make a little spot of 
snowy whiteness near the door as 
though a flock of doves had alighted 
at the font. The bride's mother gener- 
ally arrives with the first batch of brides- 
maids (if they are sisters of the bride), 
and the carriage then returns to the 
house for the bride. The bridesmaids 
stand in a line on either side to re- 
ceive the bride, standing in proper 
order so as to be able to follow her up 
the aisle. The mother of the bride does 
not stand near them now as she used 
to ; she takes her place at once at the 
51 



52 ETIQUETTE 

top of the church on the right-hand 
side. The mothers of the other brides- 
maids, however, sometimes remain at 
the bottom of the church for the sake 
of chaperonage. " Groomsmen " are 
supposed to be out of date, but the 
American fashion of " ushers " has found 
acceptance instead. The ushers should 
take care to be early — and how welcome 
they are if they carry out their duties 
with devotion ! The old-fashioned pew- 
opener's principal idea was to be as un- 
pleasant as possible to the guests who 
came to a wedding. She might con- 
descend sufficiently to the bride's ser- 
vants who were placed in the gallery, 
but she was far from conciliatory to 
the guests ; but the special business of 
the ushers is to attend to the guests 
and to see that they are properly placed. 
Instead of being received by a sour- 
looking pew-opener the modern guest 
is received by a smart young man 
dressed in the latest fashion and bear- 
ing the distinguishing mark of a white 
buttonhole. The usher asks if the 
guest is the friend of the bride or 
bridegroom, placing the former on the 
left-hand side of the aisle and the 
latter on the right, so that they may find 
themselves at once amongst friends. 
All the guests at a wedding should 
make a point of being punctual, as it 
is considered rude to arrive later than 
the bride. 

A curious flutter seems to go through 
the assemblage when the bride arrives. 
The organ strikes up the wedding march 
from Lohengrin^ all heads are turned 



WEDDINGS 53 

towards the porch, and the bridal pro- 
cession appears ! — the bride, in her snow- 
white finery and gossamer veil, leaning 
on the right arm of her father (or her 
guardian, as the case may be). Behind 
the bride come the bridesmaids, two 
and two, the chief bridesmaid (generally 
her sister) walking immediately behind 
her. If the bride wears a long court 
train, her pages follow her, holding it 
up by means of long ribbons; but if 
her dress is a sensible length, her brides- 
maids walk next to her, and the children 
come last. 

The bridegroom stands ready to re- 
ceive his bride at the foot of the chancel, 
where the wedding ceremony takes place. 
The bride stands at his left hand, and 
her father stands at her left hand to 
give her away. The best man stands 
behind the bridegroom, a little to the 
right. The chief bridesmaid must be 
ready to receive the bride's bouquet 
and gloves. 

The conclusion of the wedding cere- 
mony (the exhortation, or the sacrament) 
is only intended for the happy pair, so 
the bridesmaids should not follow them 
into the chancel. 

At the conclusion of the service the 
bride takes the left arm of the bride- 
groom and proceeds towards the vestry, 
followed by her chief bridesmaid, her 
parents, the best man, and also by the 
most distinguished guests. A long in- 
terval ensues, during which most of the 
persons aforesaid are signing their 
names in the register, and then the 
wedding march of Mendelssohn crashes 



54 ETIQUETTE 

out, and the bride goes down the 
church with the bridegroom, taking 
his left arm. The bridesmaids follow 
her two and two, her mother comes next, 
and then the guests in whatever order 
they like. The best man generally stays 
until the last to assist the guests in 
getting into their carriages. 



WEDDING TEAS 

In bygone days a wedding was a 
function to be avoided. A terrible 
solemnity hung about the proceedings, 
which made it only second to a funeral 
in the matter of gloom. There was a 
solemn and ceremonious meal, followed 
by sentimental speeches on the part of 
the elderly relations of the bride ; tears 
were frequently shed at the service, and 
also during the speeches, and the bride 
was supposed to leave in floods of tears. 
The modern wedding is very different 
from this, and the change is decidedly 
for the better. Invitations are sent out 
broadcast to everyone who is interested 
in the bride or bridegroom ; the house 
is packed to overflowing ; there are no 
tiresome speeches ; there are no for- 
malities ; everyone is in a good temper, 
and pleased to be present. The modern 
wedding is not so expensive as its 
predecessor, and one is able to invite 
three times as many people at half the 
cost ! The " sit-down " breakfast was 
necessarily a very expensive affair, but 
no one expects very elaborate refresh- 
ments at a wedding tea. The refresh- 
ments are almost exactly the same as 
would be given at an ordinary afternoon 
55 



S6 ETIQUETTE 

party, the only extra expense being the 
champagne. This is always an expen- 
sive item ; still, it is an absolute neces- 
sity at a wedding, as one is not supposed 
to drink the bride's health in any liquor 
inferior to champagne. The refresh- 
ments consist of tea and coffee, every 
kind of sandwich, rolled bread and 
butter (white and brown), cakes of 
every kind, aspic jellies, chicken and 
game. Sweets and choice fruit may also 
be added if desired. The buffet is placed 
at the top of the room or along one 
side, or it may be L-shaped (occupying 
two sides of the room) if there are a great 
number of guests. The servants stand 
behind the buffet to pour out. The wed- 
ding-cake is placed in the centre of the 
buffet, and the floral decorations should 
be a prominent feature. Some people 
prefer to have only white flowers ; 
others like the admixture of a little 
colour. White and silver should, how- 
ever, be the prevailing tones at a 
wedding buffet ; a white satin or crepe 
table-spread, embroidered with silver, 
should be placed under the wedding- 
cake, with plenty of little heart-shaped 
silver dishes for sweets. All the furni- 
ture must be taken out of the room so 
that people can circulate freely. Maid- 
servants can wait behind the buffet, but 
a man-servant is useful for opening the 
champagne. 

The invitations for a wedding should 
be sent out from a fortnight to three 
weeks before the day. The form varies 
a little according to fashion, sometimes 
cards are in the ascendant, sometimes 



WEDDING TEAS 57 

a silver-edged sheet of note-paper, and 
sometimes a tripartite card with the 
name of bride and bridegroom on either 
side and the invitation in the middle. 
Personally, I prefer a large square " At 
home" card, as it is easier to stick up 
over the mantelpiece, so that one can 
glance at it and remember the date. 
The wording of the invitation is always 
the same : " Mr and Mrs Dash request 
the pleasure of Mr and Mrs Blank's 
company at the marriage of their 
daughter Mary with Mr John Asterisk, 
on May 5th, at St Peter's, Eaton Square, 
and afterwards at No. i Eccleston 
Square. R.S.V.P." 

Everyone who accepts an invitation 
to a wedding sends a present to the 
bride, accompanied by a visiting card, 
with good wishes scribbled at the top. 
The presents are displayed in one of 
the reception-rooms, and are classified 
as far as possible. The silver can be 
set off by a dark velvet background ; 
the jewellery can be arranged on one 
table, the fans on another, the card of 
the donor being always fastened to the 
gift. 

The centre of the room must be left 
perfectly clear, the tables being arranged 
round the walls so as to leave plenty of 
space for circulation. If roses are in 
season, they may be laid carelessly 
among the gifts. 

The hostess stands close to the draw- 
ing-room door at a wedding reception, 
and shakes hands with all the guests as 
they enter. When they have congratu- 
lated the host and hostess they make 



58 ETIQUETTE ^ 

their way towards the bride and bride- 
groom, who are usually to be found in 
the centre of the room under the chan- 
delier, or near the fireplace (a nicely- 
decorated fireplace makes an excellent 
background for the bride), and when 
this ceremony is over they make their 
way to the room in which the wedding 
presents are exhibited. The bride 
generally leads the way into the tea- 
room, the correct order of precedence 
being as follows: — Bride and bride- 
groom, bride's father with bridegroom's 
mother, bridegroom's father with the 
mother of the bride, best man and chief 
bridesmaid, the rest of the bridesmaids 
with the groomsmen. After this there 
is no precedence observed, but a general 
sauve qui pent. 

Long speeches are impossible at a 
wedding tea, as the people are coming 
and going all the time. Sometimes 
the health of the newly-married pair 
is proposed either by the oldest friend 
of the family or the most distinguished 
guest, the bridegroom returning thanks 
in a few well-chosen words, but more 
often this ceremony is avoided alto- 
gether. After the health of the happy 
pair has been proposed (or, failing this, 
after the sweets have been handed), it 
is the duty of the bride to cut the 
wedding-cake. She cuts the first slice, or 
makes some kind of attempt at doing 
so. The butler then takes the cake to 
the side-table and cuts up several slices 
into small pieces, which are put on a 
plate and handed round to the company. 
No one must refuse wedding-cake — it is 



WEDDING TEAS 59 

not etiquette to say no ! The bride now 
disappears to exchange her snowy robes 
for a travelling dress, and the happy 
couple take their leave amidst a shower 
of congratulations and rice. 



A SILVER WEDDING 

There are two very obvious objections 
to the custom of celebrating a silver 
wedding. In the first place it rather 
gives one away, as far as age is con- 
cerned, and it seems somewhat irra- 
tional of a person who has spent the 
greater part of her life in concealing 
the ravages of time suddenly to own 
to the appalling fact that she has been 
married for twenty - five years. All 
society women were married at sixteen 
— that is an acknowledged fact — and 
their children always look much too old 
for their age; still, if we add twenty-five 
to sixteen we produce a sum-total which 
is not altogether in character with golden 
locks and skittish ways. 

The second objection to the silver 
wedding is that it seems a little like 
asking for presents. Everyone who is 
bidden is supposed to send a gift, and 
it ought to be in silver. Flowers are 
allowable as an alternative, and floral 
decorations are always welcome at a 
party of this descripiton. 

Silver weddings have become very 
fashionable in spite of the disadvantages 
above mentioned. A festivity of this 
kind is necessarily somewhat stately in 
character, and no expense should be 
spared in order to make it successful, 
for it is a thing that can only come once 
60 



A SILVER WEDDING 6i 

in a life-time. No one must be left out 
in the invitations — all the relations and 
friends must be asked. As people of all 
ages are invited to the gathering it is, 
perhaps, a little difficult to hit upon a 
form of entertainment which will prove 
equally pleasing to old and young ; the 
problem is sometimes solved by means 
of a large reception, with music, or else 
by a dinner, followed by a dance. 

Very few people have houses suffici- 
ently large for a reception of this 
character, but it is becoming more and 
more the fashion to give parties out-of- 
doors, and a suite of rooms in an hotel 
or a picture gallery is usually hired for 
this purpose. 

The invitations are sent out on large 
cards with silver edges ; they are printed 
in silver, with the initial of the surname 
at the top, surmounted with a true-lover's 
knot. 

The wording should be as follows: 
" Mr and Mrs Dash request the pleasure 
of Mrs Blank's company at dinner on July 
30th, at 7.30, at the Savoy Hotel, to 
celebrate their Silver Wedding." The 
home address should be printed at the 
left-hand lower corner, and if there is 
to be a dance after the dinner, the fact 
would be announced in the opposite 
corner as follows : — " Dancing at 1 1 P.M. 
Carriages at 3." 

" R. S. V. P." should be printed at the 
right-hand lower corner in any case, 
and the replies should be sent to the 
private address. 

If the celebration is to take place at 
home the invitations are sent out on 



" At home " cards, and the wording ■ 
would be — " Mr and Mrs Dash at home \ 
to celebrate their Silver Wedding." The ; 
name of both husband and wife should j 
be mentioned in the reply — " Mrs Dash , 
has much pleasure in accepting Mr and i 
Mrs Blank's kind invitation for July - 
30th." I 

The presents should be sent a little ' 
while before the party, in company with ; 
the visiting cards of the donors. These i 
presents form an important feature at ! 
the party, and are generally arranged in : 
a separate room with the cards attached ! 
to them. Some of the floral gifts are ' 
put on the dinner-table ; others are ^ 
grouped with the silver. | 

The dinner-party is much like other j 
dinner-parties, with one important ex- ; 
ception — this is about the only occasion 
on which a husband takes his own wife , 
in to dinner. The wedding - cake is 
placed in front of the host and hostess, ; 
and the latter cuts the first slice, just as ; 
she did on her wedding-day, twenty-five ' 
years before. The cake is handed at 
dessert, and this is the signal for the 
oldest friend of the family to propose | 
the health of the happy couple. i 

If an afternoon or evening reception : 
were given in place of a dinner, the \ 
husband and wife would go in to tea | 
together, or sit next to one another at j 
supper. At a dance they would dance \ 
the first number of the programme j 
together. ] 

The customs just mentioned make 
the entertainment rather difficult to 
manage, as the host and hostess have 



A SILVER WEDDING 63 

to be so much together instead of 
separating and looking after their guests 
in the ordinary way. The eldest son 
and daughter have to act as a second 
host and hostess, so as to take a little 
of the burden of entertainment from the 
parties most concerned. 



A WOODEN WEDDING 

There are many objections to the cele- 
bration of a Silver Wedding besides : 
those mentioned in the preceding I 
chapter. A good many sad remini- ' 
scences must necessarily be connected 
with an anniversary which takes place i 
after a lapse of twenty-five years. Many i 
faces must be missing from the circle, ^ 
and the friends who are present only i 
remind one of the friends who are gone: i 
The woman who is well-preserved does i 
not always care to label herself as j 
having been married twenty-five years, | 
and she may also feel a certain delicacy i 
about issuing invitations which demand \ 
a silver present from every guest. But \ 
none of these things apply to the j 
Wooden Wedding. Only five years h 
need elapse before its celebration ; the ; 
hymeneal torch has not ceased to burn ^ 
brightly, and there are not many gaps \ 
in the circle of friends, and though a i 
present is expected from each guest, it ■ 
need only be of wood. It is not neces- 
sarily costly, as in the case of the Silver I 
or Golden Wedding. In five years' time ;; 
the household goods may need a little I 
replenishing, and it is the kindly part of \ 
friends to make up for this wear and ; 
tear. In primitive times actual neces- ' 
64 : 



A WOODEN WEDDING 65 

saries formed the usual presents, but at 
the present day people scour the town 
for all the articles de luxe which can be 
made in wood. Lovely statuettes, after- 
noon tea-tables in carved oak, photo- 
graph frames made of the bark of a 
tree, wooden sabots for holding flowers ; 
all these and many other elegant gifts 
make their appearance at a Wooden 
Wedding. The presents must not be 
sent ; each guest must bring his present 
in his hand. This makes the party very 
amusing, as a fresh surprise comes to 
the hostess with the arrival of every 
guest. A Wooden Wedding party 
always takes place in the evening, the 
hours being eight to twelve or ten 
to two, according to taste. In town 
there is generally no attempt at any 
entertainment with the exception of 
conversation. The guests congratulate 
the host and hostess as they enter, and 
then amuse themselves with looking at 
the presents and talking to their various 
friends. Light refreshments are served 
in a separate apartment later on, but it 
is not usual for toasts to be proposed, 
as in the case of a Silver Wedding. In 
the country the festivities nearly always 
conclude with a dance, and in America 
the floor of the reception-room is covered 
with shavings by way of being perfectly 
in character. There is no occasion for 
a large expenditure of capital either on 
the part of entertainers or guests ; 
simple presents and a cordial welcome 
give their own flavour of goodwill to 
this friendly gathering. 

There is a different name for nearly 



66 ETIQUETTE 

every anniversary of a wedding day, 
and there are characteristic gifts for each. 
The first anniversary is the Cotton 
Wedding, when chintzes and em- 
broidered chair-backs would be appro- 
priate gifts. The second anniversary 
is the Paper Wedding — rather a tax 
on the ingenuity of our friends. Next 
comes the Leather Wedding after three 
years of marriage. The fourth year is 
marked by no particular festivity. To 
the fifth belongs the Wooden Wedding, 
above described. No parties now till 
the seventh anniversary, when the 
Woollen Wedding speaks of useful 
things. The Tin Wedding comes after 
ten years of marriage, when the kitchen | 
utensils stand in need of replenishing. | 
Silk and " fine linen " form the reward ] 
of twelve years of marriage, by which ] 
time the young matron will appreciate ' 
costly attire. Fifteen years bring us ^ 
to the Crystal Wedding, and twenty j 
to the China one, though the ; 
destructiveness of the modern hand- ^ 
maid would probably necessitate the ; 
replenishing of the china closet a good '■\ 
deal sooner. Twenty-five years brings i 
the Silver Wedding, which is such a ;j 
stately and important ceremonial, and ^ 
if the married couple are not tired of ] 
celebrations, there is the Pearl Wedding ] 
after thirty years, the Ruby after forty, \ 
the Golden at fifty, and the Diamond i 
after seventy-five years. These anni- t 
versaries are not necessarily made the j 
occasion of large gatherings; the | 
Wooden, Silver and Golden Weddings \ 
being the ones most usually kept. At \ 



A WOODEN WEDDING 6y 

a Golden Wedding the presents are 
necessarily of a somewhat expensive 
character, but trophies of yellow flowers 
may also be offered by guests who are 
not able to make such costly gifts. 



GARDEN-PARTIES 

How nice they can be, and how dull ! 
I have been to both kinds — so have 
you, gentle reader (to use the quaint 
apostrophe of the old-fashioned essayist. 
Why gentle, I wonder? Rapid reader, 
skipping reader would be more likely to 
hit the mark in these early century 
days). I have been at both kinds — 
charming garden parties where I have 
enjoyed every minute of the time, and 
dull functions of which I have repented 
bitterly during the homeward drive, 
wondering (like the schoolboy who 
learnt the alphabet) what induced me 
to go so far for so little. It is the 
people that make the difference, I 
suppose. I have enjoyed myself greatly 
in a tiny Kensington garden, where I 
knew every second person, though 
there was nothing to do but to struggle 
across the lawn to get some strawberries 
and cream, and then struggle to get 
back again. And I have been bored to 
death in the grandest places, where one 
had to make a tour of the hot-houses, 
and admire all the possessions of one's 
hosts. Not that they were not beautiful, 
those lakes, those lawns, those conserva- 
tories full of hydrangeas, mauve and 
blue and pink, but that I could have 
admired them at any time, and the 
sight of a few melancholy people, smartly 
68 



GARDEN PARTIES 69 

dressed, stalking sadly about the place, 
did not tend to make things look 
additionally picturesque. You want a 
crowd of people to make a garden party 
pleasant ; they must also be the right 
kind of people, and all fairly in the 
same set, or else the affair will not be 
enjoyable. It is not usual to make 
introductions at a garden party — 
scarcely possible, indeed, in large 
grounds — so the visitors have to depend 
on themselves a good deal, and they 
like to go to places where they are 
likely to meet plenty of people they 
know. I can remember plenty of 
garden parties which deserved to be 
classed as social events — those given 
by Lady Currie (" Violet Fane "), when 
she lived in town, and the delightful 
lawn parties given by "John Strange 
Winter " in the old days at Putney. 

When it is necessary to invite huge 
crowds of people, it is best to provide 
plenty of amusements, such as military 
bands, glee singers, dancing dogs, per- 
forming ponies, palmistry, etc., so that 
people cannot help being entertained. 
The garden party given by the Roths- 
childs at Gunnersbury during the 
Women's Congress was a striking 
example of a success of this kind. 
Many people said that it was the best 
of all the parties given to the Delegates 
— the entertainment was so lavish, and 
the choice of amusements so varied — 
there was even a circus in one part of 
the grounds, with a famous equestrienne 
performing wonderful feats on a bare- 
backed horse. 



70 ETIQUETTK 

We cannot all afford to entertain in 
this gorgeous fashion, but there is no 
occasion to have a dull garden party 
because our grounds are small. It 
ought to be easier to look after people 
when they are all together in a small 
space ; a party ought never to be dull 
under these conditions. It is always 
so pleasant to be out-of-doors on a fine 
summer afternoon, surrounded with 
trees and flowers. Tea in a tent is far 
more enjoyable than in a drawing-room, 
and a party of people dressed in light 
summer frocks is always a pretty sight. 
Where so many elements of success 
are assured, the host and hostess may 
labour with a gay heart, feeling that 
the chances are all in their favour. 
Whether the party is large or small, 
the palmist should not be forgotten. 
A weird lady in a tent is certain to 
be an enormous attraction, and dull 
people will stand for hours in a queue 
waiting to hear about their innocent 
past and their uneventful future. 

Invitations are sent out from three 
weeks to a month before the day ; large 
square " At home " cards are generally 
used. In the country it is customary 
to add the words " and party " after the 
name of the invite, but this is not 
possible in town. 

At small garden parties tea is some- 
times served in the house, as at an 
ordinary " At home," but refreshments 
out-of-doors are always much preferred. 
The hostess stands at the upper end 
of the lawn to receive her guests, 
so that they may find her at once. 



GARDEN PARTIES 71 

The guests shake hands with their 
hostess as soon as they arrive, and 
introduce any friends whom they have 
brought. They then pass on into the 
garden, and proceed to explore its 
beauties and greet their various friends. 
People do not wait to be asked to take 
refreshments at a garden-party, they 
make their way to the tent whenever 
they like, and ask the servants for what 
they want. The servants stand behind 
the buffet, pouring out tea and coffee. 
It is usual to take leave of the hostess. 
There is no occasion to call after a 
garden party, but people sometimes 
leave their cards on the way out. 



CHRISTMAS PARTIES 

Christmas is a great time for nonde- 
script entertainments, and the hostess 
often finds some little difficulty in 
thinking of amusements in which all the 
company can join. People of all ages 
are invited to these parties, and the 
games have to be chosen chiefly with 
a view to the younger members of the 
company, who are home for their holi- 
days and anxious to sit up till unheard- 
of hours. Children reign supreme at 
Christmas time, and we must all do our 
best to please them, so it behoves us to 
join in the games with the best possible 
grace, without exhibiting the least sign 
of being bored. The French are 
superior to ourselves concerning what 
the parvenu called jew de society. They 
can be children for the nonce with an 
excellent grace, because they are utterly 
devoid of the fear of lookLig ridiculous. 
We should do well to imitate our lively 
neighbours in this respect, so as not to 
be any longer open to the reproach of 
taking our pleasures sadly. When we 
go out to Christmas parties we are 
expected to join in all manner of extra- 
ordinary diversions, and though it may 
not be exactly pleasant to anyone after 
the age of twenty to have to sit on the 
stool of repentance or to bite an inch 
off a red-hot poker, we must do these 
things with a cheerful face if we are 
72 



CHRISTMAS PARTIES 73 

asked. Never is the term of " assisting " 
at an entertainment more truly appli- 
cable than at a Christmas party. We 
must all do our best to make the game 
go well, feeling determined that it shall 
not be our fault if it falls flat. It is not 
given to us all to be able to introduce 
a new game, but we can at least follow 
the lead with a cheerful spirit, and give 
our whole minds to mastering its details. 
The invitations are generally sent out 
through the medium of a friendly note, 
so that people may understand the 
informal nature of the party. For 
example : " The children have come 
home for the holidays, and are longing 
to have a little fun. Will you all come 
in on Thursday evening about eight ? 
We are going to play games." Or, 
"Will you come in on the 31st, and see 
the old year out with us, if you have 
no better engagement?" The answer 
would be informal also, and it will be 
thoughtful in the guest to mention the 
number of the people she intends to 
bring. "We shall all be delighted to 
come," she will say, " that is, myself and 
the three children, if you think we shall 
not be too many." Demi-toilette is 
gCiierally worn at a party of this 
character, a square bodice or evening 
blouse being more correct than full 
dress. Bright colours look well at a 
party of this kind ; bright faces I have 
already insisted on. The room should 
be gaily decorated ; long swags of ever- 
greens caught up in the centre and at 
each side with a bow of red or blue 
ribbon help to give a cheerful effect. 



74 ETIQUETTE j 

and the manufacture of these garlands ^ 
affords occupation for the children for ] 
days beforehand. The garlands can be | 
arranged in festoons on the walls over \ 
the mantelpiece, or above the folding- ^ 
doors, the lines of the architecture j 
being carefully followed. Coloured wax | 
candles look pretty at Christmas, ] 
particularly when they are of the same \ 
tint as the ribbon which ties up the 
festoons. 

Tea and coffee are handed round on , 
arrival (or served in a separate room if ] 
preferred), and an adjournment to the ] 
supper-room should take place at about : 
eleven, plenty of Christmas dainties j 
being served. The table should be ;; 
decorated with holly berries, scarlet lamp j 
and candle shades, and a red satin table i 
centre. Funny little figures may be 
placed about the table centre, or in the 
middle of the fruit dishes : red goblins, I 
Santa Clauses, old Father Christmases \ 
or robin redbreasts. Cracker bon-bons, \ 
" kisses," sweetmeats with mottoes on j 
them — all these things may find a place j 
on the table, anything that makes fun i 
and promotes conversation. Supper 
may be sit-down or stand-up as pre- j 
ferred ; in the latter case the table J 
would be placed at one side of the j 
room, the servants standing behind it. ] 
Sandwiches, patties, and aspic jellies ) 
would be the principal eatables at a > 
stand-up supper ; but the sweets would i 
naturally be made a feature of at a ; 
party of this character. j 

I will not conclude this chapter with- \ 
out giving suggestions as to the games, j 



CHRISTMAS PARTIES 75 

as they may possibly be useful to some 
of my readers. If the party begins 
early, there will be a good deal of time 
to fill up, so it is better to divide the 
evening into two, playing quiet games 
first and lively ones afterwards. There 
are a number of games which can be 
played with paper and pencil round a 
table ; and some of these are really very 
amusing. Long strips of paper and a 
Japanese tray full of pencils ready 
pointed should be ready beforehand, 
so that time need not be wasted before 
beginning. 

" Sixpenny Telegrams " is a very 
ingenious game. Twelve members of 
the party give a letter in turn, which 
each player must copy in the same 
order. The letters form the initials of 
the twelve words which form the tele- 
gram, and ten minutes is allowed for 
the construction of the sentence. Sup- 
posing the letters are A, J, W, L, O, D, 
T, P, F, I, A, O, the sentence might 
run like this : " Aunt Jemima's wig left 
on dressing-table, please forward it at 
once." All the sentences are read aloud 
at the end of ten minutes, and a prize is 
sometimes given for the best. 

"Consequences" is always amusing 
when the players know one another. 
The words are written down in the 
following order: adjective, gentleman's 
name, adjective, lady's name ; where 
they met, what they were doing, what 
he said to her, what she said to him, 
what the consequence was, and what the 
world said. If it is desired to lengthen 
it, what he gave her and what she gave 



76 ETIQUETTE 

him may be added. The first player 
writes the name down at the top of a 
long slip of paper, folds it down, and 
hands it to the next person, and so on 
till all have done. The folded papers 
are now all thrown down together on the 
table or on the floor ; one of the players 
then picks them up and reads them 
aloud for the benefit of the company. 

" Making your Will " is rather a good 
game. It is played as follows: One of 
the party must be the lawyer, and his 
first duty is to write down a list of 
twelve articles of general property, 
numbering each as he goes on. Any- 
thing funny may be put into the list, 
such as her false hair, her bicycle, her 
manuscript, her love-letters, her last 
year's gown. When the list is finished 
the lawyer says to his client, " Whom will 
you leave No. i to ? " The client names 
anyone at random, and her reply is 
written down opposite to the numeral 
mentioned. She has not the least idea 
what articles are written on the list, and 
when it is read aloud is amused to hear 
that she has left her false hair to her 
baldheaded uncle and her manuscripts 
to the Idiot Asylum. 

" Trades " is a very easy game, such 
as little children can play. I came upon 
it the other day in Every Girls Book. 
Each child chooses a trade, and the 
person who sits at the top of the table 
is called the president. She copies a 
short anecdote out of a book, and when- 
ever she comes to a noun she must 
point at one of the children, who must 
say a noun which belongs to his trade, 



CHRISTMAS PARTIES 77 

and this must be written down instead 
of the proper word. The president then 
reads the sentences aloud, and if it 
makes nonsense they must each pay 
a forfeit. 

" Twenty Questions " is always fresh 
and interesting, and it can be made 
more of if it is played in the following 
manner: The company should be 
divided into two clubs, each sitting 
round in a circle ; two players must be 
sent out of the room, and the clubs 
must decide upon the word to be 
guessed. Something pretty difficult 
should be fixed upon, if most of the 
players are adults, but if the players are 
children it is best to fix upon some- 
thing in the room. The two who are 
to guess are now called in, and one sits 
down in the centre of each circle. " Is 
it this ? Is it that ? " they eagerly ask, 
the club answering " Yes " or " No." 
The one who guesses it first is claimed 
by the other club, and makes one of 
their circle. One of the first circle 
then goes out along with the bad 
guesser. The game is supposed to go 
on till one of the clubs has absorbed 
all the members of the other. 



A NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY 

A HOSTESS requires to be full of resource 
to give a successful New Year's Eve 
party, because, whether her guests are 
bored or not, they cannot possibly leave 
before twelve. Now, human nature is 
strange. We have the authority of the 
elder Mr Weller for that statement. 
" Human nature, Samivel, is a rum 'un." 
So, though human nature would like to 
sit up till twelve o'clock 364 days of the 
year, the chances are it will be terribly 
bored if it is not sufficiently entertained 
on this one particular evening. 

I, who always love to talk — more par- 
ticularly the last thing at night — moi 
qui vous park — have I not sat on 
Christmas Day feeling as if conversa- 
tion was impossible to me ; and have I 
not sincerely wished to go to bed at nine 
o'clock on New Year's Eve ? Yes, it is 
perversity, and there is nothing which 
can account for it ; however, the fact 
remains, the hostess must provide plenty 
of entertainment if she is to keep us 
amused till twelve o'clock on New Year's 
Eve. 

Dancing is, perhaps, the best way of 
passing the time, for the hours pass by 
fleetly enough with the dancers, and 
the band can strike up " Should Auld 
Acquaintance be Forgot?" when the 
psychological moment arrives. But a 
78 



A NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY 79 

party of this kind is generally made 
up of such incongruous elements with 
regard to ages and tastes that, although 
an impromptu dance trjay be attempted 
with advantage, a' settled' programme 
might -not always be a success. 

Flexibility should be the ideal of the 
entertainment for the New Year's Eve 
party ; a little of one thing and a little 
of another ; games in which all can join, 
so that the children shall not be disap- 
pointed and the old people shall not feel 
they are left out. 

The guests must be carefully selected 
for a party of this kind. The hostess 
must gather round her all her nearest 
and dearest relations and intimate 
friends, everyone with whom she is in 
sympathy, and there should not be a 
jarring note in the circle. 

Invitations are sent out through the 
medium of the friendly note ; formal invi- 
tations are not sent except in the case of a 
dance. The house is sure to look festive, 
as the Christmas decorations are still up, 
and " Welcome " in holly leaves might 
be added to the hall for the occasion. 
Mere boughs of holly are stiff and 
undecorative in themselves, but most 
beautiful effects can be obtained by 
threading the leaves separately, and 
making them up into garlands. ^ Green 
thread is the best thing to use for this 
purpose, the leaves put on one by one, 
and the long ropes of foliage can be 
made into all kinds of beautiful designs, 
the " swag " of Georgian times being the 
most successful model. The long festoon 
should be caught in the centre with a 



8o ETIQUETTE 

bow of pale blue satin ribbon, and again 
at the two sides, which should droop 
gracefully. Garlands of this kind look 
well over mantelpieces and doorways, 
and smaller wreaths can be twined round 
chandeliers. The house should look as 
light and bright as possible, and both 
hostess and guests should don their 
brightest attire. 

Tea and coffee should be served to 
the guests as soon as they arrive, and 
supper should be announced at eleven 
o'clock. A sit-down supper is not pos- 
sible with a large party of this kind ; the 
ladies generally sit round the room, and 
are waited on by the gentlemen. The 
supper-table should be decorated as 
brightly as possible— red wax candles 
and candle shades, a red and gold table- 
centre, holly in all the vases, or shaded 
foliage in the new red ware. A little 
fancy may be indulged in on an occasion 
of this kind ; there may be little red 
goblins for menu-holders, or Christmas 
robins perched among the table decora- 
tions, with scarlet " kisses," and bon- 
bons. 

Little presents are often given at a 
party of this kind, not the stereotyped 
gifts of Christmas, given with con- 
scientious care, lest anyone should be 
left out, but gay little gifts, presented 
after the fashion of a cotillon, with 
everything left to chance. Sometimes 
a " Tangle Party" is organised, two long, 
coloured ribbons being wound round the 
house from basement to garret, with a 
present attached to the end ; sometimes 
there are gifts placed in birds' nests, and 



A NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY 8i 

the company is started to search for 
them at a given signal ; and yet ''another 
way." as they say in the cookery-books. 
The carpet is turned up (an easy process 
if an Eastern square is employed), a 
circle is made with chalk in the centre 
of the floor, four lines are then drawn 
across it, and a present of some descrip- 
tion is placed in each compartment. (It 
is easy enough to find suitable things if 
one pays a visit to the nearest silver- 
smiths.) 

The company take turns in endeavour- 
ing to find the present; each person is 
blindfolded in turn and supplied with 
a stick, and he is supposed to set off 
in a straight line, and to put the end of 
the stick in the compartment where the 
present is placed. Does he often reach 
it ? Not at all. People stop long before 
the mystic circle is reached ; to get to 
the centre and triumphantly reach the 
spoil is only given to the few. 

Pretty little prizes, calendars, photo- 
frames, tiny silver ornaments and the 
like may be given to the winners in 
the various games which are played 
during the earlier part of the evening, 
and all these things lend interest to the 
games, and help to make the time pass 
pleasantly. If there are many children 
and young people in the company, 
runabout games will be preferred, such 
as " Dumb Crambo," " Blindman's Buff," 
"General Post" and "Charades"; but 
quiet games are liked for a change, and 
there are many amusing ones which can 
be played with no other apparatus than 
pencil and paper. If the party is a large 



82 ETIQUETTE' 

one, it is easy to divide it into sections, 
so many people to each table. " Con- 
sequences " is always popular if people 
know one another sufficiently well. 
" Sixpenny Telegrams " causes great 
amusement if the players are sharp, 
and there are several good drawing 
games, more particularly one in which 
each person draws an incident in history, 
and his neighbours have to write the 
correct title underneath. Rhyming 
games are in favour just now. " Lim- 
ericks " can be made on a given subject, 
a prize being awarded for the best, or 
couplets can be made in a given time 
on some member of the company, or on 
a popular actor or other well-known 
character. Home truths are often 
conveyed in these poetical efforts, as 
in the following one, made by a lad 
when the word ''father" was given as 
the subject : — 

" He's very fond of generous fare, 
But mostly wants what isn't there." 

The accuracy of this description was 
vouched for by the roars of laughter 
which greeted the reading of the couplet. 
An impromptu dance makes a pleasant 
change after supper, and there are worse 
ways of spending the last moments of 
the year than dancing it out with a 
favourite partner. After this comes the 
ceremony of the " First Foot " — a notion 
which we borrow from the Scotch. The 
Scotch attach great importance to the 
personality of the being who is the first 
to cross the threshold after the coming 
of the new year ; it should not be a 



A NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY 83 

woman, nor a fair-haired man, and he 
must not come empty-handed. His name 
must not be William — the Immortal 
Bard might have knocked at the door 
in vain, for no one would accept him as 
a " first foot." To ensure good luck for 
the coming year, one of the guests is 
sent out with a bottle of wine and a 
glass, or a piece of bread, and bidden 
to knock at the front door. When he 
comes in he wishes everyone a Happy 
New Year, and good wishes are ex- 
changed all round. If he brings wine 
there is generally a great drinking of 
healths in the hall, followed by the 
singing of " Auld Lang Syne " ; but 
wine is not a necessity. My Scotch 
friend tells me that a scone or part 
of a loaf is every bit as good. It does 
not matter what he brings, so long as 
he does not come empty-handed. In 
Scotch villages, she says, there will often 
be a rush of neighbours and friends 
coming to the door at this mystic hour, 
almost falling over one another in their 
anxiety to be " first foot." 



A ''WHITE PARTY" 

Novelties in entertainment are always 
welcome, and the " White Party " is the 
latest addition to the ranks. The bdl 
blanc owes its origin to our lively neigh- 
bours, who give this name to a dance 
devoted to young unmarried people, at 
which no flirting matron may intrude. 
The young ladies appear in white 
dresses, the young men in ordinary 
evening dress, with the addition of white 
waistcoats and white buttonholes. Only 
white flowers are allowed in the decora- 
tion of the ballroom and buffets, and the 
programmes are painted with lilies. 

A very pretty " White Party " was 
given in town a little while since, and it 
may perhaps be interesting if I give an 
account of it, as it may suggest ideas 
to other hostesses. All the guests were 
children (with the exception of a few 
grown-up people, who were invited to 
look on). The invitations were sent out 
in the name of the children of the house, 
"White Party" was written in one corner, 
"Domino Masks" being added under- 
neath. The hours were five till ten. 

When the guests arrived they were 
shown into the tea-rooms, the grown-up 
people taking their tea in one room and 
the children in another. There was no 
sit-down tea, for even the tiniest children 
seemed to prefer to have tea at a buffet. 
84 



A "WHITE PARTY" 85 

All the little girls came in white — some 
in fancy dress with powdered hair, some 
as fairies, some in white muslin or 
chiffon. The little boys wore Eton 
suits with white buttonholes, the very 
small ones appearing in white corduroy 
velvet suits or white silk sailor-clothes. 
The little girl of the house appeared in 
two different dresses during the course 
of the evening ; first in a low-necked 
frock of white chiffon, and afterwards 
in an Empire dress of white soft silk, 
made with a short bodice and long 
train, with white chrysanthemums ar- 
ranged at each side of her head a la 
Jap. 

All the little guests arrived in domino 
masks : the children of the house wore 
them also, and the order was given that 
the masks should be retained whilst the 
engagements for dancing were being 
made, and not removed till the end of 
the first dance. (This made a great 
deal of amusement, but it would be still 
more amusing in the case of grown-up 
people, to whom the choice of the right 
partner is a more vital matter.) After a 
couple of waltzes had been danced the 
cotillon commenced, and a number of 
pretty figures were introduced. The 
first figure was the " Fisher Maiden." 
A little girl stood on a chair, armed 
with a fishing-rod with a sweet biscuit 
fastened to the end for bait. All the 
little boys who wanted to dance with 
her swarmed round the chair, and tried 
to catch the biscuit in their mouths, and 
the successful competitor was rewarded 
with the hand of the lady. Needless 



86 ETIQUETTE 

to say that the fisher-maid dangled 
the rod at a fearful height till the 
favourite partner appeared ! The next 
figure was "The Air-Balls." The hostess 
appeared with a great group of air-balls, 
carefully held in the centre by the 
strings, and she gave one to each little 
girl with the simple instruction, " Run 
about and let a little boy catch you." 
The little girl took the ball by the string 
and refused to be caught till the right 
partner came along— the one who could 
catch the flying ball and break it be- 
tween his two hands. The sounds of 
the bursting balls seemed to be most 
inspiriting to the dancers, who waltzed 
on more gaily than ever amidst the 
ruins they had made. 

Next came the "Sacks of Flour" — 
and this was the most successful figure 
of all. Two very large sacks were to be 
found on the landing, in the care of the 
leaders of the cotillon, and two boys 
stepped into the sacks, which were then 
tied up at the top. All the little girls 
stood at one side of the room, whilst the 
mysterious figures passed before them. 
If one of the little girls thought the 
sack contained her favourite partner she 
caught hold of it, when it was promptly 
thrown off, and the two went waltzing 
off together. This figure was continued 
for some time, as all the little boys were 
wild to get into the sack ! 

After this came the " Maypole." 
There were two tall sticks provided 
with lengths of coloured ribbons, and 
one of the tallest children stood in the 
centre, holding the stick, whilst the 



A "WHITE PARTY" ^7 

others caught hold of the ends of the 
ribbons and ran round. The little boys 
ran round one of the Maypoles, the 
little girls round the other, and the 
effect of the bright - coloured ribbons 
held by the white-clad figures was ex- 
ceedingly good. At a given signal the 
music suddenly stopped, and each little 
boy had to dance with the little girl 
who was holding the same coloured 
ribbon as himself. (Two grown - up 
people, a lady and a gentleman, were 
leading the cotillon, and they clapped 
their hands when they wanted the music 
to stop.) Next came the " Military 
Decorations." The little girls were pro- 
vided with medals and orders, in tinsel 
and metal, and told to pin them to the 
coat of the person they wanted to dance 
with. The boys were next provided 
with buttonholes of white flowers, which 
they had to bestow on the partner they 
desired. Next came the distribution of 
gifts which invariably forms the con- 
clusion of the cotillon. These gifts may 
be simple or costly, according to taste, 
but a very simple gift will please a child. 
Tiny sets of note-books for cash, mems 
and addresses, little photograph-frames, 
sets of pencils and pencil-cases — all 
these things are welcomed by children 
when they get them at the end of the 
cotillon. At the " White Party" I speak 
of the presents were brought in in a 
very effective way. The two leaders 
of the cotillon came in in large white 
dominoes, bearing two silver vases full 
of lottery tickets, which they proceeded 
to hand, in perfect silence, to each little 



88 ETIQUETTE 

child in turn. They then disappeared, 
and re - entered, each bearing a tray 
covered with little gifts done up in 
white notepaper, with a number written 
on each, corresponding to the numbers 
which had been taken from the silver 
vase. The children were charmed with 
the presents which came to them in such 
a mysterious way, and the evening con- 
cluded with a Swedish dance, after 
which a sit-down supper was served. 
The table was decorated with low round 
baskets full of white tulips, and hanging 
balls of flowers were to be seen in the 
centre of the folding - doors, between 
curtains of smilax. The " White Party " 
was a great success and a very pretty 
sight. White was not worn by the 
hostess or the onlookers; grown-up 
people wear day-dress at affairs of this 
kind, because they are only invited as 
spectators. 



"AT HOME" EVENINGS 

Evenings at Home we know all 
about, but "At home" Evenings are 
(like the cousin in the ballad) " a differ- 
ent thing." An " At home " Evening is 
a little innovation recently introduced 
by some kindly hostess who had the 
intention of brightening up the winter 
— a thing which is specially needed in 
the suburbs. 

No expensive refreshments are looked 
for at a party of this kind, nor is very 
much entertainment anticipated ; people 
simply come out for the pleasure of 
seeing the hostess and meeting mutual 
friends, and they do not expect the 
elaborate entertainments which are 
given in the season. An evening at 
home is sometimes substituted for a 
"day," and it does not demand a call 
afterwards, as it is itself something in 
the nature of a call. Once a month is 
often enough for an evening of this 
character, and it is as well to keep an 
afternoon in addition for the sake of 
people who prefer to call at that time. 
The invitations are usually sent out on 
visiting cards, it is more unpretentious ; 
but they can be sent out on large square 
cards if desired, all the dates being on 
one card in either case. The dates 
should be printed or written under 
the day. Supposing that first Monday 
89 



90 ETIQUETTE 

is printed on the card, the hostess 
would write the dates underneath : 
January 3rd, February 7th, March 7th, 
adding 9 — 12 or 9.30 — i, as preferred. 
I think twelve is late enough for a party 
of this character, where no regular 
supper is given — only light refresh- 
ments — and I should think it would 
be wiser not to invite people to come 
from a distance, but to make it, as far 
as possible, a meeting-place for those 
who live in the same place. Sometimes 
a stranger comes in to an affair of this 
kind like the olive in the banquet, the 
spice in the dish, and one must secure 
any attraction one can find for a party 
of this description, but I think it should 
be mainly an affair for the people of 
the neighbourhood, who can come to a 
modest entertainment without much 
trouble or expense. The hostess is at 
home for the evening, and it all depends 
on her powers of attraction whether the 
evening goes off brilliantly or tamely. 
An attractive woman is a great " draw- 
ing power " — she who is never at a loss 
under any circumstances, but makes the 
most of everything, just as it turns up. 
Conversation is the main idea of the 
gathering, but a little good music 
might make an agreeable change. 
Or a fortune-teller ! People are so 
keenly interested in their individual 
fates ! Nothing is so interesting as 
one's self! One's past — one's future! 
We are all anxious to hear about this, 
and we like to hear what the sooth- 
sayer can tell us, whether she predicts 
it through the crystal or the cards, or 



"AT HOME" EVENINGS 91 

through the lines of the hand (though 
this is a Httle out of fashion). There 
is often great jealousy as to who should 
first approach the soothsayer, so the 
best method of procedure is to allow . 
the precedence to be settled by chance. 
The hostess should hand round a hand 
of cards, saying that the person who 
takes the highest heart should go first, 
and so on with the next deal. By this 
means everyone is pleased, and it is 
evident that no favouritism is shown. 
Some fortune-tellers deal out cards to 
a circle of young people round a table ; 
the cards are circular in shape, and put 
round in a circle; everyone sits or 
kneels round the table so as to form a 
circle, the cards are taken up in turn, 
and after three rounds the soothsayer 
predicts the fortunes of each person. 
It would, perhaps, be better to have no 
fixed plan of entertainment for parties 
of this character. Variety would be 
the one thing needful, and the hostess 
might have music, cards, fortune-telling, 
games, according to the fancy of the 
moment. Anything to make the time 
pass pleasantly. Conversation is, how- 
ever, the main object of these gather- 
ings, and if people are already ac- 
quainted they will always amuse 
themselves, whilst if they are not, 
plenty of introductions should be 
effected, as they help to make an 
evening a success. Refreshments are 
served at eleven o'clock, an adjourn- 
ment to the dining-room being pro- 
posed when everything is ready, the 
host leading the way with the most 



92 ETIQUETTE 

distinguished lady present Tea and 
coffee are served by a maid-servant 
standing behind the buffet; claret-cup, 
lemonade, and plain claret in glass jugs 
are to be found at another table, or on 
the sideboard, together with sandwiches 
of every description, sweets, and petits 
fours^ the gentlemen waiting on the 
ladies. The party disperses after supper, 
and cordial farewells are given to the 
hostess who has provided such a pleas- 
ant evening. 



WINTER PARTIES 

A GOOD deal of apologetic entertaining 
goes on in London during the winter, 
but the hostess is always careful to show 
that she has no intention of rivalling 
the grand social functions of the season. 
The invitations are not sent out very 
long beforehand, and there is no attempt 
at costliness in the entertainment. 

The winter is not the time for grand 
balls and stately dinners, or for crowded 
receptions, with everything lavishly 
done ; it is the time for cosy little 
dinners and theatre parties, for little 
dances and small and early evenings. 
The hostess adopts an apologetic tone 
when speaking of her parties. " I am 
trying to brighten up the winter," she 
says, with the light of pure self-sacrifice 
and benevolence shining in her face. 
She gives cosy afternoons in her dimly- 
lighted salons, the pink-shaded lights 
throwing a soft halo over everything. 
She makes no attempt at entertainment 
in the way of music, but there is possibly 
a palmist hidden in a dim corner in 
case anyone is inclined to consult the 
fates. Conversation is the principal 
object of the gathering, and the people 
who are passing through town are glad 
to exchange greetings with those who 
have settled down for the winter. 

These parties are often very agree- 
93 



94 ETIQUETTE ^ 

able. People are able to stay longer j 

than they would do in the season, when ' 

there are always so many places to go on j 

to, and there is an air of sociability and \ 

homeliness about a winter party which is ■ 

often missing from the smarter gather- \ 

ings which take place during the season. ' 

There is a touch of affectation about \ 

the way in which the smart London \ 

hostess talks about " brightening up the \ 

winter," for one knows she is living ;. 

right in the centre of things, and has : 

no occasion whatever to feel dull. But \ 

the dreariness of winter is an undoubted j 
fact in the suburbs, and the hostess who 
makes an effort to struggle against it is 

a real benefactress to the community. ] 

The young people of the neighbour- ' 

hood are only too thankful for an excuse ■ 

to get out in the winter evenings, v/hether ; 

it is for rehearsing amateur theatricals, ■ 

or practising some choral or orchestral ^ 

work, or for an informal dance. It is > 

always better to have an object for : 

country or suburban parties, or else ^ 

they are liable to fall flat. The best ■ 

London parties are those at which j 

there is no entertainment offered, where ; 
people are simply let alone and allowed 

to talk, but I don't think this applies to ; 
the country. When there is only a 

narrow circle, and people meet fre- . 

quently, and know one another well, a .j 

little artificial stimulus is needed in j 

order to make a party go off well. j 

A "Book Badge Party" is one of the i 

latest novelties in entertaining, and ; 

gives plenty of scope for the inventive i 

powers. The invitations are sent out ; 



WINTER PARTIES 95 

on ordinary " At home " cards, with 
" Book Badge Party " written in one 
corner. Every guest is expected to 
come as a Hving enigma, the solution 
of which must be the title of some 
well-known book. Each person is pro- 
vided with a card, ruled down the 
centre, and on this he must inscribe 
the names of his fellow -guests and 
the title of the works they are supposed 
to represent. A prize is given to the 
person who guesses most of the living 
riddles, such as a small article of 
jewellery or a silver ornament for the 
toilet table. It is allowable to ask a 
guest for his own name, but not for 
the name of the book he represents. 
At a recent party of this kind some 
very clever riddles were propounded. 
One young lady wore a ticket on her 
hat with the word " stood " upon it. 
She was meant for " Miss-under-stood." 
Another girl wore a razor and a pair of 
scissors suspended on a long gold chain. 
This symbolised " With Edged Tools." 
A gentleman symbolised " Nicholas 
Nickleby" by wearing a nickel silver 
" S " on one lapel and a " B " on the 
other. The cleverest conundrum was 
provided by the wife of a well-known 
editor, who symbolised " Locke on 
the Human Understanding" by the 
simple expedient of wearing a padlock 
on her shoe ! 

" Progressive Whist " forms another 
amusing way of spending an evening, 
and the prizes that are given add a 
little interest to the game. The invita- 
tions are sent out on large " At home " 



g6 ETIQUETTE 

cards, with " Progressive Whist " written 
in one corner. When the guests arrive 
they are shown into the tea-room, and 
each gentleman is presented to the lady 
who is to be his first partner in the 
game. When tea is over, the company 

proceed to the drawing-room, where a . 

number of little whist-tables are set out, ,i 

and the proceedings commence. One ; 

hand is played, and at the conclusion \ 

of it the persons who have lost get up ^ 

and move to the next table. The j 

points are marked on a card after each ', 

game, each couple keeping to the same '\ 

card at whichever table they play. At i 

the end of the evening a prize is given i 

to the winning couple, and there is also ^ 

a booby prize for those who have the : 

lowest score. The scoring cards are \ 

supplied by the hostess. Sometimes \ 

they are made like dance programmes, \ 

with a pencil attached ; sometimes .^ 

the games are marked by means of i 

coloured wafers. Occasionally a club | 

is formed during the winter for the -] 

playing of this game, the entertainment i 

taking place in different houses in turn. \ 

A small subscription (such as a shilling ; 

a member) is given in this case, the ■■, 

money to be devoted to the purchase ! 

of prizes. / 



"PROGRESSIVE HEARTS" 

A NEW kind of party is always in 
favour in the country — not a costly 
entertainment, but some little object 
for spending an evening in company. 
In town, people are only too pleased 
to meet without any other object 
than conversation ; but in the country, 
people like something else besides the 
dear delight of hearing themselves talk. 
It is for this reason that I am al- 
ways on the look-out for novel forms 
of entertainment, feeling sure there 
are many of my readers who will be 
glad to give them a trial. 

The great difficulty in a country place 
is to think of some amusement which 
will be equally pleasing to people of 
every age. Dancing is dehghtful for 
young people, but very dull work for 
those who have to look on ; besides, 
giving a dance entails a good deal 
more trouble than the heads of the 
house are always inclined to undertake. 
It should not be much trouble when 
there is a parquet floor, but if it entails 
taking up of carpets, or nailing down of 
crumb-cloths, it is a little more tiresome 
than our enthusiastic daughters would 
wish us to believe. So we must try to 
think of some entertainment which will 
pass the evening pleasantly without 
shaking the household to its very 
foundations for days before and after. 
E 97 



98 ETIQUETTE 

" Progressive Whist " was so much 
liked when it was first introduced 
that a successor has been found in 
" Progressive Hearts," which is a trifle 
more frivolous, and even more suc- 
cessful. 

The invitations are sent out as for an 
ordinary " At home," only that " Pro- 
gressive Hearts " is written in one 
corner of the card. The guests are 

received in the tea-room, and each j 

gentleman is introduced by the host or \ 

hostess to the lady who is to be his first j 

partner. The game is played in the _, 

drawing-room, where a number of little ^ 

tables are prepared as if for whist, j 

There are four players at each table, i 

There are no trumps in this game, and ] 

the great thing is to avoid keeping j 

any hearts, and one can throw away a | 

heart when one cannot follow suit .• 

(getting rid of the highest ones first). ' 

One must follow suit as long as one ; 

can, but after this one can throw away i 

hearts. Hearts cannot be led till after the -[ 

sixth round, and then one would only | 

lead them if one had a small card, so \ 

that someone else would take the trick. ! 

After each game, the players count up l 

their heart cards, and those who have ! 

none or the lowest number go to the ] 

next table. If two players have the ; 

same number, they cut to tell which ] 

shall go. I 

This goes on until the " gold table " j 

is reached — the goal of ambition in this j 

game. In the centre is a little silver j 

dish containing several gold bows, and j 

the lowest scorers pin on one of the ? 



"PROGRESSIVE HEARTS" 99 

bows, and remain at the table and play. 
The one who can remain longest at this 
table wins a prize, as the bows are 
counted afterwards, and the one who 
has the greatest number wins. The 
first prize is given to the one who has 
the least number of hearts scored on his 
card, the second to the person with the 
greatest number of gold bows, and the 
player who is left with the greatest 
number of hearts is consoled by a 
booby prize. Neat little scoring cards 
are placed at each table. A bell is rung 
when it is time for the players to 
move on to the next table. Sometimes 
the host and hostess do not play, so 
that the hostess can ring the bell and see 
that the players go to the right tables, 
and the host can assist them in making 
up their scores. 

The prizes are usually some of those 
silver articles which are so pretty and 
so cheap. Sweetmeat-boxes or match- 
boxes always please. Cigarette-cases 
are nice, but it is best to get presents 
which suit equally well whether the 
winner be a lady or a gentleman. When 
the prizes have been distributed the 
host leads the way into supper with 
his last partner (supposing he has 
been playing), otherwise with the lady 
of highest rank. The other gentlemen 
go in with their last partner, and those 
who have won prizes together always 
love to talk it over afterwards. The 
supper is generally served on a buffet, 
the gentlemen waiting on the ladies. If 
a sit-down supper is given, the tables 
may be decorated in various styles for 



LofO. 



100 ETIQUETTE 

the accommodation of the winners. 
One table can be done with gold, 
another with silver, and the rest with 
scarlet. The gold is carried out by 
means of gold-coloured Salviati glass, 
gold tissue table-centre, and gold- 
coloured chrysanthemums ; the silver 
one can have a silver table-centre and 
mauve or white flowers, whilst the other 
tables can be decorated with scarlet 
geraniums and red candle-shades, with 
menus like the ace of hearts, and heart- 
shaped dishes full of sweets. The guests \ 
usually leave soon after supper, unless \ 
the hostess chooses to wind up with an ! 
impromptu dance. | 

'■4 

I 



A DEVICE PARTY 

The Device Party is the successor to 
the Book Badge Party, and it is carried 
out in much the same way. Each 
member of the company must appear 
with an emblematical device, suspended 
from the buttonhole or hanging round 
the neck, the attempt to unravel their 
meaning being the principal occupa- 
tion of the evening. The solutions 
are written down on cards, prizes 
being given to those who have guessed 
the greatest number correctly. The 
invitations are sent out on ordinary 
" At home " cards, with " Device Party " 
written in one corner, and underneath 
must be written the kind of device 
required, such as " Botanical," " Geo- 
graphical," "Animal," "Birds, Beasts 
and Fishes," " Theatrical," " Celebrities," 
or " Men of Note." The hours may be 
four to seven, or eight to twelve, as 
preferred, tea being given in one case 
and sandwiches and claret-cup in the 
other. Each guest is presented with a 
card with a pencil attached to it, after 
the fashion of a dance programme. 
There should be as many numbers 
printed on the card as there are people 
present, with a blank left opposite each. 
At the top of the card or outside it 
should be a single number, and this is 
to signify the number which the owner 
is to be known by to the guessers of 

lOI 



102 ETIQUETTE 

the riddles. No introductions are re- 
quired at this party, and that is the 
principal advantage it possesses, as 
there is no possibility of stiffness, and 
everybody gets sociable at once. With- 
out any knowledge of the personality 
addressed any member of the party 
may go up to any other, and take 
up the device vi^hich is being v^^orn 
and say, " Excuse me, may I look at 
this?" Then it will be, "I can't find 
it out ! " or else, *' I think I know what 
it is — do you mind coming this way 
whilst I ask you if I have guessed it ? " 
And then the two will go and 
whisper in a corner of the room, or in 
the bay window, or even out in the hall, 
so that no one else shall hear the solu- 
tion of the riddle. It is not allowable 
to tell what the device is meant for, or 
to give any clue, but it is necessary to 
say "yes" when anyone has guessed 
correctly. 

When a player has guessed the riddle 
he writes down the answer on his pro- 
gramme opposite the figure which be- 
longs to the person who has propounded 
it. Some people prefer a double card, 
so that they can write the name of the 
person opposite the device, but it is not 
at all necessary — it is much easier to 
call them No. i or No. 2, as the case 
may be. 

When people get tired of guessing 
the riddles the hostess collects all the 
cards, and counts up the number of 
successful solutions, and awards the 
prizes to those who have guessed the 
most. Two prizes are generally given, 



A DEVICE PARTY 103 

one to a lady and one to a gentleman, 
and some people add a booby prize for 
the person who has guessed the least. 
A box of cigarettes is generally given 
to the gentleman, and a box of sweets 
to the lady ; silver articles are also suit- 
able for prizes, such as match-boxes, 
yard-measures, photo frames, or orna- 
ments for the toilet-table. The prizes 
need not be costly, as it is quite a young 
people's party, got up for the fun of the 
thing. 

A friend of mine has brightened up 
the winter with a succession of Device 
Parties of various kinds, and she tells 
me that people love to come to them, 
even more than to dances, and that it is 
delightful to see how quickly all the 
guests get to know one another — there 
is no dull time at the beginning of the 
evening. 

I will give examples of some of the 
devices which caused the most amuse- 
ment at the time, either by their in- 
genuity or their audacity. The Geo- 
graphical evening was one of the best. 
One guest appeared with two shillings 
hanging from his buttonhole, and ex- 
plained that this signified the Bosphorus, 
as " Bobs " was " the Boss for us ! " A 
married couple appeared with a card 
suspended round the neck of each; 
one card bore a picture of a Christmas 
pudding, uncut, the other showed 
the pudding plate with nothing 
left in it but a sprig of holly. This 
was intended to signify " Eton " and 
" Nuneaton." The pretty daughter of 
the house wore a card with nothing but 



104 ETIQUETTE- 

the word " In " written upon it. No one 
could guess what it meant, and when at 
last people said to her, " I give it up — 
what is it?" she replied, with a sweetly 
serene smile, " It is In, dear!" (India). 
She played much the same trick at the 
Animal Party, having a picture of a 
little man with an umbrella as her 
device, and blandly remarking that it 
was the " rain, dear " (reindeer). The 
hostess's device showed a sketch of a 
farmyard, with two roosters and some 
hens and chickens, and this was meant 
to imply " A cockatoo " (a cock or 
two). At a Vegetable Party one 
young lady wore no badge at all, and 
afterwards explained that " Carrots " 
was plainly signified by her auburn hair. 
Another young lady appeared wearing 
a photograph of her father, with a little 
bit nipped out at one side. This baffled 
all observers for some time, but was 
gradually recognised to be "parsnip." 

At the Flowers and Fruit Party one 
ingenious girl wore several rows of 
minnikin pins at one side of her bodice 
(just as one buys them on green paper), 
and this, of course, meant the Queen of 
Flowers (rose). Two gentlemen arrived 
together with pins sticking out of the 
lapels of their coat in every direction, 
which, being interpreted, meant a 
" prickly pear ! " Very original was the 
gentleman who came into the Historical 
Party with a live newt in a small milk- 
can. By this laborious method he 
signified " Canute ! " 

Names of plays make excellent de- 
vices, but the supply of titles is rather 



A DEVICE PARTY 105 

soon exhausted. At the parties I am 
describing a lady and gentleman came 
with no other badge than their visiting 
card, with the address of the Mansions 
in which they lived. This signified " Our 
Flat." A nought in the centre of a 
card, scribbled all round with pencil, 
meant " Much Ado about Nothing," and 
a picture of five comic heads, two with 
large ears and three with none, sig- 
nified " Three must get ears ! " (Three 
Musketeers). The same play was once 
symbolised at another party by three 
of the guests rushing wildly into the 
room when they arrived ; this meant, 
"Three must get 'ere!" 

" Peony " was rendered at the Floral 
Party by the letter P on the top of a 
large E, and an ingenious riddle was 
made on the word "lioness" by one of the 
hostess's daughters. She wrote some- 
thing, which was obviously untrue, on 
her card, and put it on the top of a 
large S. This, she explained, meant 
" Lie on S " (lioness). The untruth she 
selected was, " I am absolutely without 
faults," which, as she remarked, must be 
untrue of anybody. But she was such 
an exceptionally pretty girl, that I told 
her that " I am dreadfully plain " would 
have been a more obvious misstatement 
of fact. 



THEATRE PARTIES 

A THEATRE party is one of the pleas- 
antest forms of what one might almost 
call " Outdoor entertaining," a fashion 
which is rapidly becoming a powerful 
factor in modern life. A large dinner- 
party at home is an impossibility when 
people live in a small flat, and a dinner 
at a smart restaurant makes a pleasant 
change from the ordinary routine. 
Then a party of this kind can be got 
up at the shortest notice, the length of 
the invitation only depending on the 
popularity of the chosen play. People 
who are passing through town always 
like to see the piece which is being 
talked about at the moment, and 
country cousins will be able to take 
useful hints from the dresses worn on 
the stage. When one is inviting 
Londoners it is best to find out what 
plays they have seen, but if it is not 
possible to discover this, it is as well to 
take tickets for one of the musical 
plays that no one minds seeing for the 
second time, such as any of the pieces 
at Daly's or the Savoy. Other things 
being equal, it is best to chose a play 
which does not begin too early, so that 
dinner has not to be too much hurried 
over. The guests should make a 
point of being punctual, as there is 
1 06 



THEATRE PARTIES 107 

never any time to waste on an occa- 
sion of this kind. 

The invitations are given through 
the medium of a friendly note, and the 
guests are generally invited to meet 
their entertainers a little before seven 
in the entrance hall of the restaurant, 
unless there is a reception-room pro- 
vided for this purpose. Most people 
like the entrance hall best, as it is 
amusing to watch the gay parties of 
people passing through. The host 
and hostess remain in the entrance 
till all the party have arrived, when 
they proceed to the dining-room 
which they have engaged before- 
hand. The host leads the way into 
the room, so that his guests have not 
to hunt about for the table where they 
are to sit. 

If the hostess wishes to do the thing 
very thoroughly she will give orders to 
a fashionable florist to decorate the 
table, and also to place a beautiful 
buttonhole in each place, a rose or 
malmaison. The buttonholes should 
all be different colours. Name-cards 
are not used at a restaurant dinner 
(except in a private room), so the host 
must indicate the places where the 
guests shall sit. 

Dinner passes quickly away, more 
particularly if the restaurant is one 
where there is an orchestra, and the 
hostess must take care that her party 
leaves the place in time for the com- 
mencement of the piece, for it is diflicult 
to feel any interest in a play if one is 
not there from the beginning. Men 



io8 ETIQUETTE 

are always inclined to linger over their 
cigarettes at the end of dinner, but this 
is a case in which it is often necessary 
to speed the parting guest. 

The journey from the restaurant to 
the theatre is generally made in cabs, 
the host paying for all, but a nicer 
way is to order coupes to call at the 
restaurant at a certain hour, as this 
obviates the necessity of paying at the 
time, thus preventing any discussion as 
to who shall pay. The host takes 
charge of the theatre tickets for the 
party. The hostess tells the guests how 
they shall sit, taking care to place the 
right people together. If she finds that 
she has not placed them well she can 
find some excuse for effecting a change 
during one of the intervals of the piece. 

The hostess should take care that her 
guests have the best places if it is a 
box. Stalls are perhaps better than a 
box for a large party, as everyone can 
see almost equally well. If any friends 
who happen to be in the theatre come 
up to talk to the hostess between the 
acts, she should make them very wel- 
come, and give them all the attention 
in her power. She should introduce 
them to the other occupants of the box, 
and make room for them to sit down 
and talk during the interval. It is 
pleasant to talk over the piece between 
the acts, but a large party should 
take special care not to talk during the 
performance ; if people are not interested 
themselves, they should not spoil the 
pleasure of others. 

At the end of the performance the 



THEATRE PARTIES 109 

gentlemen help the ladies to put on 
their wraps, and the host looks after 
the carriages or cabs. A good way of 
finishing up the evening is to tell the 
coupes to call at the theatre at the end 
of the performance, so that all the 
guests are sent comfortably home. 
This adds a good deal to the expense, 
but it makes a nice wind-up to the 
evening. 



CLUB PARTIES 

One of the problems of life for the 
bachelor lady is how to return the 
hospitalities she receives. Perhaps she 
lives in lodgings where the servants are 
overtasked or inefficient, and where the 
landlady will make a point of having 
"company" herself on the self-same 
day by way of showing her equality. 
Perhaps she lives in some out-of-the- 
way region, to which it is cruel to ask 
people to come, or she may possibly be 
the owner of a tiny flat up so many 
stairs that none but Alpine climbers 
could attempt it. She may be as 
happy as a queen in her lofty abode, 
but she cannot hold her court so near 
the skies. And even if her home is all 
she would desire it to be, and her servant 
as presentable as could be wished, she 
may not have the time to see after 
things as they require to be seen after 
if a successful entertainment is desired. 
Forethought is the essence of enter- 
taining. There is an evil little spirit 
who sits about somewhere — I don't 
know whether it is aloft or not — and 
watches over the fate of parties. It 
must be an alert hostess who can 
frustrate his endeavours to make 
everything go wrong. She must do 
her best to meet him at every point, 



CLUB PARTIES iii 

and her forethought must be as the 
nailed-up horse-shoe which keeps out 
the arrival of witches. She must see 
that she does not invite the wrong 
people together, or ask anyone who is 
likely to make things go wrong instead 
of right — above all things keeping out 
the apostle of " mad ventilation," who 
likes to throw up windows just where 
they make a draught with a door, and 
create a disturbance every time anyone 
goes in or out. She must take care to 
have such an abundance of eatables 
that there is enough for all who come, 
yet not so much as to hang on hand for 
days afterwards, and she must see that 
the china-cupboard and glass-cupboard 
are both sufficiently stored, so that her 
maids shall not let people go short of 
anything because they have recently 
been indulging in a series of breakages. 
She must anticipate all the accidents 
that are liable to happen in a crowd, 
arranging her rooms so that there shall 
be no pitfalls and traps for the unwary, 
no foot-stools that can be fallen over, 
no great ottomans in the centre of an 
apartment, and nothing to block up a 
narrow doorway. And having done all 
this, she wants to have a new body and 
a new mind for the day itself — to be 
resourceful and clever in any emer- 
gency, to say the right thing to each 
person, to effect the necessary intro- 
ductions, to be bright and smiling and 
pleasant from start to finish. To enter- 
tain well is real hard work — and this 
even when the hostess is sure of her 
servants, and knows that they are ac- 



112 ETIQUETTE 

customed to their work, and will not 
lose their heads in any emergency. 

A successful party cannot be achieved 
without time and thought, and it is not 
always possible for the " lady bachelor " 
to give her mind to all the little prob- 
lems which import hard work into the 
lives of society ladies. Yet she does 
not want to go out for ever without 
making any return. She knows quite 
well what spiteful things are said of the 
ipeople who indulge in this practice. 
" Who is that lady ? " asked someone 
the other day of the writer ; " I mean 
the one who goes round and round and 
round, and never asks anyone inside 
her doors in return." This terrible 
indictment did not make me think 
less of the lady, knowing as I did 
that she had an invalid mother in her 
house who could not endure the thought 
of company. It only made me think 
less of the speaker. Still the lady 
might have avoided such unpleasant 
remarks if she had not gone into 
society for a time, making her 
mother's illness the excuse. 

I don't know that entertaining is very 
much good if you cannot ask people to 
your home. But a crowd is impossible 
in a tiny place, and you cannot receive 
without proper reception-rooms. So a 
club is a decided advantage to the lady 
bachelor, and she will find it very useful 
to belong to some association which 
gives her the opportunity of enter- 
taining without having the trouble of 
attending to the details. 

The choice of a club is important to 



CLUB PARTIES 113 

her, for she doesn't want to ask people 
out " so far " (to quote the oysters in 
Wonderland) without giving them s 
"pleasant treat" in return. 

She wants, before all things, a club 
which is smart and agreeable, where the 
rooms are well decorated and the people 
are bright She must write her notes 
of invitation about a fortnight before- 
hand, and send her guest-cards filled up 
with the names of hostess and guest, 
adding the date by way of a useful 
reminder. She must be careful to be 
in time, and to impress on the door- 
keeper that she is there, for fear that 
there shall be any mistake made, and 
she is wiser to keep as near the en- 
trance as possible when she is expect- 
ing guests. 

If she belongs to a Ladies' Club she 
should invite rather more men than 
ladies, by way of striking a balance; 
and she should be careful to invite men 
who are likely to be kind and helpful, 
used to society, and able to assist her in 
looking after her guests. She should 
at once effect introductions between all 
her guests, and also introduce any club 
members who are likely to interest 
them. She should offer tea to her 
visitors on arrival, and introduce 
gentlemen to ladies in order that 
they may take them in to tea. 

The shy or unattractive visitor must 
be the special care of the hostess ; 
bright people always get on in any 
company, but those who are lacking in 
self-confidence need special care, as do 
those who are strangers to the rest. 



114 ETIQUETTE 

The hostess must be careful to dis- 
charge her duties to her own particular 
guests, not allowing herself to be lured 
away to entertain the guests of others 
until she has thoroughly looked after 
the people whom she has invited 
herself. 



MOURNING 

The subject of mourning is one that 
has been interesting to only too many 
of us of late, and a few words as to 
the regulation periods for wearing it 
will probably be useful to many of my 
readers. The desirability or non-desir- 
ability of the custom does not enter into 
the scope of the present article, so I will 
only say that there is scarcely any other 
subject on which so much can be said 
on both sides. The advocates of 
mourning reform tell us that the custom 
is extravagant and useless, and that the 
depressing effect of wearing black clothes 
is a bad thing when one is already under 
the influence of grief On the other 
hand, there is a certain comfort to the 
mourner in her sombre attire — in the 
feeling that she is set apart from the 
world for a little time, and the sight 
of her mourning prevents people from 
inviting her to gaieties for which she has 
no heart. Perhaps the most feasible 
plea that can be advanced for this 
custom is the distraction which it pro- 
vides for the bereaved one in the first 
moment of loss. It provides something 
which has to be done at once, and that 
is always a good thing when people are 
in sorrow. Grief must have its own way, 
and it is impossible for any set rules to 
be laid down as to what is good or bad 
115 



ii6 ETIQUETTR 

for the newly bereaved. Some like to 
speak of the lost one, whilst others 
cannot endure the sound of the once 
loved name — it is like the reopening of 
a wound. Some mourners crave for 
companionship, whilst others only desire 
to be let alone. We cannot make rules 
for people in grief, but there is no doubt 
that occupation of some kind is the best 
panacea for all sorrow, and that idleness 
is the sure road to indulgence in grief. 
The want of something to do is specially 
felt during the particular form of bereave- 
ment from which so many families have 
been suffering of late — I mean the death 
of some relative on the battlefield. 
"There is nothing to do," says the 
mourner — no pious cares for the dead, 
no funeral service to be arranged for, no 
grave to deck with flowers. If these sad 
things bring any comfort with them, such 
comfort is denied to the woman who 
loses her husband or son in battle. She 
has special sorrows such as do not come 
with an ordinary loss — letters from her 
loved one, coming long after he has 
ceased to exist, and possibly her own 
letters returned through the post with 
"killed in action" on the envelope for 
all comment. The feeling of there being 
"nothing to do" comes with peculiar 
painfulness at such a time, and it is 
probably a good thing that the mourner 
has to rouse herself to order the black 
dresses which are to be the outward 
symbol of her grief 

I am not personally in favour of 
ordering black from a regular mourning 
department. I think it is much nicer 



MOURNING 117 

to get it from one's ordinary dress- 
maker. The gloomy appearance which 
the attendants of a mourning depart- 
ment think it correct to put on is very 
repugnant to the feelings of a person 
who is in deep grief. These people 
sometimes even seem to have a ghoulish 
enjoyment in seeing sorrow, and they 
delight in telling the mourner tales 
about other customers who have recently 
lost relatives in the war, and mention- 
ing how much more upset they seemed. 
Mourning can be turned out much more 
quickly at a large establishment than at 
a private dressmaker's, but if time 
allows it I think it is much pleasanter 
to have one's black dresses made by 
the dressmaker one is accustomed to 
employ. If she has made for us for 
some time she will be sorry for us in our 
sorrow, and this will be much more 
soothing to the feelings than the sham 
sympathy of an utter stranger. 

Many people are obliged to go to 
mourning warehouses because they do 
not know the right thing to order — 
when to wear crape, and how much of 
it, and when black should be exchanged 
for half-mourning. I have had a great 
many letters to ask for advice on these 
subjects of late, and have come to the 
conclusion that mourners are divided 
into two classes — those who want to wear 
mourning much longer than they need, 
and those who want to leave it off too 
soon. There seems to be no medium 
between the young lady who wants to 
go out hunting within a couple of 
months of her mother's death, and the 



Ii8 



ETIQUETTE 



woman who thinks she ought to mourn 
for a year for her second cousin. The 
establishment of set periods for wearing 
mourning after various bereavements 
serves a useful purpose, and in my 
next chapter I will write down the 
different periods of mourning as at 
present observed in the hope that it 
may be useful to those who are in 
doubt. 



MOURNING— Continued 

A WOMAN scarcely realises how much 
time and thought she gives to her dress 
until circumstances oblige her to go into 
mourning, and then she is often sur- 
prised to find how large a part of herself 
she seems to put away with her trinkets 
and coloured clothes. There is no 
longer any reason to think about what 
she shall put on, or to try different 
effects before the glass. The sombre 
attire admits of little change, and she 
gets to put it on almost mechanically. 
After a time she grows reconciled to her 
sober array, and any kind of colour looks 
garish. 

A widow's dress is fortunately not so 
unbecoming now as it used to be in the 
days of our grandmothers, when it was 
considered correct not only to wear a 
cap, but to hide all the hair underneath 
it, the little curl which would sometimes 
escape from its confinement winning for 
itself the name of the "widow's lock." 
The widow's cap has happily gone out 
of fashion altogether now ; it was, after 
all, only a survival of the days when 
it was considered correct for all married 
ladies to wear caps. The picturesque 
dress remains, and it is so almost uni- 
versally becoming that I have often 
wondered that women have not learnt 
a lesson from it on the value of length 
119 



120 ETIQUETTE 

of line and simplicity of style. A little 
time since, no ornament except jet 
was admissible for a widow; but now 
it is allowable to wear diamonds, even 
in the deepest mourning. One would 
not make a great display of jewellery ; 
but diamond solitaire ear-rings and a 
diamond brooch, with perhaps a necklet 
of pearls on dressy occasions, form a great 
relief to the sombre attire. 

There is a growing dislike to the 
regulation widow's bonnet, and young 
women seldom wear it for the traditional 
year and a day which used to be con- 
sidered correct. If they order a widow's 
bonnet to start with, they seldom re- 
place it by another one of the same 
kind. A plain black bonnet or a simple 
hat is usually adopted in place of the 
orthodox widow's bonnet with the long 
trailing streamers which are so sadly out 
of place in this workaday world. No- 
thing outre in the way of head - gear 
should be worn, but there is a kind of 
a hat with a turn - down brim which 
looks quite suitable to the deepest 
mourning. 

With regard to the correct period for 
widows' mourning, it is proper to wear 
it for two years ; the dress should be 
entirely covered with crape for the 
first year, gradually lessened during the 
next nine months, plain black being 
worn for the remaining three. Lawn 
collars and cuffs are worn for a little 
while, and after that a frill of chiffon in 
either black or white as preferred. 

Evening dress for widows is prettier 
than it used to be, the introduction of 



MOURNING— Continued 121 

chiffon being a decided step in favour of 
grace. Once on a time a widow could 
only go out in a dull black silk which 
looked as if it were made out of hat- 
bands, but black chiffon makes as pretty 
a dress as the heart of woman can 
desire. 

Mourning is worn for twelve months 
for a parent, plain black being worn all 
the time. 

The same amount of time would be 
observed by a parent mourning a child. 

The period of mourning to be ob- 
served for a step-mother depends upon 
the relations which have existed be- 
tween her and her step-children. If she 
has been like a mother to them they 
would wear mourning for her for twelve 
months, but if she had only been married 
a short time before her decease, or if she 
had not lived with her step-children, six 
months would be sufficient time for 
mourning to be worn. 

Six months is the correct period of 
mourning for a brother or sister (black for 
five months, half-mourning for a month), 
nine months for a grand-parent, three 
months for an uncle or aunt or nephew 
or niece; six weeks for a first cousin, 
and three for a second. A wife should 
mourn for her husband's relations as 
though they were her own, and this is 
a point in which etiquette and good 
feeling go together. 

There is far less half-mourning seen 
than formerly. People do not make the 
gentle gradations from black to neutral 
tints and from grey to mauve which 
most of us can recall in the days of our 

F 



122 ETIQUETTE 

youth ; they are more apt to wear plain 
black all the time of their mourning, 
and then suddenly to start off in all the 
colours of the rainbow. I am inclined 
to think that the custom of our ancestors 
was more artistic than ours, but it may 
be that we have such a feeling of the 
shortness of life in these modern days 
that we do not like to spend too much 
of it in regret. 



TRAVELLING 

If windows had never been invented ! 
The man who first thought of them is 
responsible for much ! Unhappy person, 
who first evolved the idea of a sash that 
would go up or down ! It is wonderful 
that he can rest in his grave when he 
thinks of all the suffering he has inflicted 
on humanity. In hotels, in boarding- 
houses and in trains, the window is the 
continual bone of contention. What 
quarrels have taken place about windows 1 
What sarcasms they have given rise to, 
what bitter speeches they have evoked ! 
There never yet was a company of ten 
people in a railway carriage who all had 
the same ideas with regard to the 
management of the window, and many 
a long journey has been embittered by 
the struggles of the combatants. 

There are two sets of people to be 
met with — those who love fresh air^ 
and those who hate it like poison. The 
two can never be reconciled, and an 
unkind Fate ordains that a member of 
each opposing force shall be found in 
every railway carriage. The War of 
the Roses was short by comparison, the 
quarrels of the Guelphs and the Ghibe- 
lines fade into absolute insignificance. 
One can "spot" the two members of 
opposing factions as soon as one gets 
into the train. There is a sour-faced 
123 



124 ETIQUETTE 

woman who would want all the windows 
open in a hurricane, and a gruff old 
gentleman who would have objected to 
fresh air if he had been in the Black 
Hole at Calcutta. These two will 
quarrel as sure as fate, and with an 
energy which will last them the journey, 
however long it may be. They will not 
commence operations until the train has 
well started, when the first shot will be 
fired by a request from one or the other 
of them to open or shut the window, as 
the case may be. Their miserable 
fellow-passengers give a sigh ; they 
know too well that this modest request 
is like pulling the string of a shower- 
bath, and that fearful things will ensue. 
The warfare commences ; it lasts for 
the remainder of the journey, and it is 
difficult to say which of the combatants 
is capable of inflicting the most annoy- 
ance on the fellow-passengers. I am 
inclined to vote for the sour-faced 
woman. The old gentleman is a monster 
of obstinacy, whose conversation will 
resolve itself mainly into a series of 
grunts, but the elderly female will 
probably show herself to be a past 
mistress of invective and the possessor 
of a flood of eloquence. She will not 
talk to the old gentleman, but at him ; 
she will talk to the fellow-passengers, 
and try to get them on her side. Her 
eloquence will only stop when she gets 
to her station, and even then she will 
depart, muttering bitter things about 
people who like to live in a hot-house. 

Half the quarrels which arise in a 
railway carriage take place because 



TRAVELLING 125 

people don't realise the rule of etiquette 
which exists with regard to the window. 
The right of opening it belongs ex- 
clusively to the traveller who is sitting 
next to it, on the side facing the engine. 
The right to regulate the ventilation 
depends on him and no other, and if 
the way he exercises his powers do not 
happen to please you, you must appeal 
to him as civilly as may be. It is quite 
right that the management of the 
window should rest with him, as he is 
the person who will feel the greatest 
inconvenience if there is a draught. It 
is better not to ask a favour of a 
stranger if it can be avoided, and if it 
is necessary it should be done with all 
the politeness possible. One should 
say, " Excuse me, but I wonder if you 
would be so kind as to raise the window 
a little higher? I have been suffering 
from toothache, and am afraid of the 
draught" (or whatever the case may be). 
And, when the request has been com- 
plied with, there should be a grateful word 
of acknowledgment. I give this advice 
for what it is worth, and should only 
be too happy if I thought it might be 
followed in some isolated instances, but 
I greatly fear that the great window 
question is too important to be so 
lightly disposed of, the love of fight- 
ing over it being one of the strong- 
est passions planted in the human 
breast 

There are other ways besides the one 
referred to by which people make them- 
selves very unpleasant in a train. They 
put up odd luggage on the rack, so 



126 ETIQUETTE 

that you live in terror of its coming 
down on your head ; they leave boxes 
in the middle of the carriage, so that 
you have not enough room for your 
knees, and if they are so fortunate as to 
have secured a corner of the carriage, 
they will take up more than their fair 
share of room. Against all this bad 
treatment you have a right to protest, 
but always with civility, being careful 
to preface your request with " Would 
you mind ? " Against the person who 
is " seen off" by a number of friends 
you have no remedy ; there is nothing 
to do but sit still and endure. He 
blocks up the window till the very 
minute when the train is starting, 
shouting out parting messages the 
while, which let you into many of the 
secrets of his family history. The cruel 
heat of the stationary railway carriage 
is bad enough to endure without having 
a bulky body filling up the window, 
but the fellow-traveller can console 
himself with the thought v/hich sup- 
ported Damian in his day of horrible 
sufferings : " The day will not be a 
pleasant one, but it will end." People 
cannot continue to take leave of their 
friends for ever, and the train starting 
out of the station must at last bring an 
end to their adieux. 



COUNTRY-HOUSE VISITS 

It is always a little difficult to give 
people advice as to how they should 
comport themselves on a country visit, 
as every house has its own ways. In 
some houses people are slaves to 
routine, whilst in others rather rowdy 
behaviour is the rule. In some houses 
the meal-times are a sort of Procrustean 
bed, to which all engagements must 
somehow be fitted in, whilst in others 
the ideal of the hostess is to have a kind 
of Liberty Hall, with moveable feasts 
instead of meals. The visitor must find 
out the tone of the establishment for 
himself, and adapt himself to it as far 
^s possible. But the modern hostess is 
not often exacting, and the more the 
house -guest goes his own way the 
better she is pleased. There are a few 
points of etiquette which are the same 
everywhere, so I had better confine my 
remarks to them. One custom is almost 
universal — the mention of the date of 
departure in the letter of invitation. 
This would not have been considered 
polite in ancient times, but we have 
now got to look at it as a matter of 
mutual convenience. " Can you come 
to us on the 1st, and stay for the ball 
on the 9th ? " " We hope you can 
spend a week with us," or, " We are 
looking forward to having you for the 
week-end." These are the sort of 
127 



128 ETIQUETTE^ 

invitations one receives nowadays when 
time is so precious, and there are so 
many visits to be fitted in. Very long 
visits are paid in the Highlands, but the 
length of the journey makes a difference 
in this case. 

Heavy luggage should not be taken 
on a visit, as it is inconsiderate to the 
servants of the house. Cane dress- 
baskets are convenient, as they are at 
once roomy and light, and there is a 
sort of long box with a flat top which 
is particularly good for travelling about 
with, as it will go under the seat in a 
railway carriage, and fit nicely into the 
back of a trap. If the top of the box is 
flat it is possible to put things on the 
top of it, and this is often a convenience 
when there is a good deal of luggage to 
be fetched from the station. 

A hostess should always give a visitor 
sufficient time to unpack, and sufficient 
space for her belongings. That is an 
inconsiderate hostess who says, " You 
don't want to bother about unpacking 
yet, do you ? for we want you to come 
out on the river now," and hauls her 
guest off for some long excursion at 
once, only bringing her in just in time 
to dress for dinner, when, perhaps, 
everything she wants to wear has to 
be dived for to the very bottom of the 
box. It is very nice to be out in the 
country, but no woman ever yet enjoyed 
looking at rustic scenery whilst she re- 
membered that all her poor dresses were 
getting hopelessly creased in her box. 
Plenty of space is essential for one's 
belongings, and some hostesses are far 



COUNTRY-HOUSE VISITS 129 

too fond of using their spare rooms as a 
lumber-room for their half-worn gowns. 
If a visitor is wise she will unpack as 
soon as possible, and be very careful to 
have her possessions neatly arranged, 
for it always takes a little longer to 
dress in a strange room in any case, 
and she will not like to be late for a 
drive or for meals, so as to keep other 
people waiting. A hostess is not bound 
to wait dinner for her house-guests as 
she must for guests invited for one 
evening only, but she generally en- 
deavours to wait for them if possible, 
so they cannot be unpunctual without 
causing inconvenience. 

Guests are supposed to amuse them- 
selves in the morning, and in large 
country houses the hostess is not visible 
until lunch — the same time that the 
beauties appear on the scene. A society 
beauty seldom imperils her reputation 
by appearing at breakfast, an unbecom- 
ing time to most. 

At luncheon the hostess generally 
asks the guests what they will do in the 
afternoon, and gives the orders for the 
carriages at once, writing them down on 
a slip of paper and giving them to the 
butler, who sees that they are trans- 
mitted to the stables. It is correct for 
a guest to say what she will do when 
her hostess invites her to choose, and a 
visitor should accept all attentions 
graciously, knowing that it is the 
hostess's pleasure to offer them. It is 
correct that a visitor should be offered 
the best seat in a carriage, and she is 
right to accept it without demur, but 



I30 ETIQUETTE 

she must be willing to cede her rights 
to a visitor who arrives at the house 
later, supposing that other things are 
equal. She should be more considered 
because she is the greater stranger, and 
the guest who has been in the house 
before her should suggest that the new- 
comer should have the box seat of the 
drag or the best place in the Victoria. 
The hostess cannot well suggest this. 
The guest must take the initiative in 
this case. 

Country houses are full of cliques, 
and people soon choose their own com- 
panions. It is proper to be pleasant to 
everybody in the house, and, supposing 
one met someone with whom one had 
quarrelled, hostilities must be suspended 
for the time being. It would be most 
improper to carry on a quarrel in 
another person's house. 

Every house has its own ways with 
regard to morning and evening greet- 
ings. People who belong to the smart 
set never shake hands night and morn- 
ing — they would think it the most awful 
bore to go through this ceremony twice 
a day. They just say an inclusive 
good morning to the company, or give 
a little nod, or a little wave of the hand, 
and then they plunge into the serious 
business of choosing what they will 
have for breakfast. There are some 
families who never meet in the morning 
without as much greeting as if they 
had just come off a long journey, and 
here one would be thought very rude if 
one omitted the matutinal handshake. 



COUNTRY-HOUSE VISITS 131 

In matters of this kind one must follow 
the ways of the house. 

Conversation is welcome at dinner, 
but no one is expected to be brilliant 
at breakfast. It is the hostess's place 
to suggest retiring for the night, as the 
guest ought not to break up the party. 



TIPS 

The subject of the present article is 
interesting to most people some time 
or other in their lives, and I suppose 
there are very few whose minds have 
not been exercised upon this question. 
The subject presents special difficulties 
to the young and inexperienced, and 
I have known several young girls who 
have lost half the pleasure of a visit 
owing to the worry of not knowing 
what gratuities to dispense at its 
close. 

"To tip or not to tip" is often 
a puzzling question to the old, and 
to a young girl on her first visit it 
is apt to be more so. Every autumn 
the patient ladies who write the 
etiquette columns in the ladies' papers 
find themselves inundated with ques- 
tions on this subject from people staying 
in country-houses in all parts of the 
kingdom. " How much to give and 
to whom ? " is the burden of the song, 
and the writer is implored to give an 
answer with all possible expedition. 

It is very difficult to answer ques- 
tions of this kind in any definite fashion 
without personal knowledge of the cir- 
cumstances and surroundings. A few 
rules can be laid down for general 
guidance, but beyond this a stranger 
cannot go. The principal factor in the 
132 



TIPS 133 

amount of the tip is the style of the 
house in which the visitor is staying, 
so that the gift is regulated more by 
the income of the host than by that of 
the guest. The amount of gratuities 
appears to increase with every year, 
and many people give gold who would 
once have been content with giving 
silver. The custom of individual tip- 
ping seems to be somewhat on the 
decrease, and many people give the 
head servant a sovereign or two on 
leaving, with instructions to divide it 
with the rest. This plan has both 
advantages and disadvantages, but it 
has the decided merit of saving trouble 
to the donor. It is sometimes difficult 
to be sure of seeing all the servants 
when one is leaving, and one does not 
always recollect their faces ; all trouble 
is saved by giving the money to one 
responsible person, though this deprives 
one of the pleasure of saying a pleas- 
ant parting word to each, and one may 
also feel a doubt as to whether the 
money will be fairly divided. The 
amount given depends partly on the 
length of the visit, and there are some- 
times qualifying circumstances in the 
position or age of the guests — no one 
expects very much, for example, in the 
way of tips from young girls. In the 
Highlands people are often expected 
to make very long visits, say from a 
month to six weeks, and the tips must 
be in proportion ; a fortnight would be 
counted a good long visit anywhere in 
England, and a decent gratuity ex- 
pected, but there is very little differ- 



134 ETIQUETTE 

ence between the tips given for the 
week-end or the week. The heaviest 
tips given to any class of servants are 
bestowed on gamekeepers, who nearly 
always get gold ; fees to butlers come 
second in the list, ranging from five 
shillings to a sovereign, according to 
circumstances. Half-a-crown is the 
usual gratuity given to a coachman, 
but rich people would probably give 
more (ten shillings being the maxi- 
mum). Young ladies very rarely give 
gratuities to men-servants, except any 
extra service has been received from 
them, but they give something to the 
coachman if he has driven them from 
or to the station. A girl would tip a 
man-servant if she was an invalid, and 
he had wheeled her about in a chair, 
or if he had carried her luggage up- 
stairs or done anything which was out 
of the routine of his ordinary work. 

In a house where no men-servants 
are kept gratuities are given to the 
housemaid who looks after the visitors' 
room, the parlourmaid coming second 
in the list. Most people give smaller 
gratuities to women-servants than they 
do to men, but I always think this 
seems a little unfair, as women-servants' 
wages are smaller than those of the 
men, so that a little money is very 
acceptable to them. 

There is a good deal of histrionic 
power wasted on the bestowal of a tip. 
The visitor bestows it as if it were a 
sudden thought ; the servant invariably 
receives it with well-simulated surprise. 
There is also a certain sense of hurry 



TIPS 135 

about the transaction which is apt to 
deprive it of much grace. Both visitor 
and servant feel as if they had entered 
into a conspiracy, as if it would be 
equally awkward for both parties if 
they happened to be caught in the 
act by the hostess. The latter has also 
some acting to do, as she has to pre- 
tend to be quite unconscious in the 
matter, though she knows perfectly well 
what is going on. So a tip is generally 
given with an absence of grace which 
would have made Lord Chesterfield 
weep ; both visitor and servant are apt 
to wear a guilty look. A kind word 
should be said along with the gift, if 
opportunity permits of it. One may 
thank the servant for the care she has 
taken of us, supposing that she has 
been specially civil and obliging. The 
presence of a visitor gives a good deal 
of extra trouble to the servants, and it 
is only fair that it should be recognised. 
A good many funny stories have been 
told on the subject of tipping, but I 
have always thought there was a touch 
of cruelty in Sidney Smith's joke. 
Tipping had become a terrible institu- 
tion in his day, no doubt, but it was 
a cruel trick to fill his pockets with 
oranges from the table, and to give 
one to each of the servants, who stood 
in a long line in the hall watching to 
see him go. A funny story, which has 
also a dash of the pathetic about it, was 
told me by a friend of mine, about a 
little girl who suffered from an abnormal 
amount of shyness. The poor child 
once left home on a short visit to some 



136 ETIQUETTE 

friends in her own neighbourhood, and 
was duly provided by her mother with 
a half-crown to bestow upon the servant 
when she was leaving. The child arrived 
home with the half-crown — in fact, she 
had not had the courage to give it to the 
servant. " This will never do," exclaimed 
the mother, " you must give the servant 
her tip ! The best way will be for 
you to go and pay a call at the house 
within a few days, and take the half- 
crown with you, and you can put it 
into the servant's hand when she opens 
the door." The little girl started off; 
she took the half-crown in her hand to 
have it ready ; she knocked at the door 
with a trembling hand ! Alas for the 
vanity of human wishes ! It was the 
mistress of the house who opened the 
door, and the little girl had put the 
money into her hand before she had 
realised what had happened. The child 
was exceptionally nervous, but there is 
no doubt that there are people in whom 
shyness is like a real disease, which 
renders them almost incapable of sight 
or movement for the time being. I do 
not suppose any of my readers suffer 
from shyness to such a distressing 
extent, but some of them can sym- 
pathise with the little heroine of my 
tale as they recall the days of their 
own childhood. 



AT THE SEASIDE 

At a first glance it might appear highly 
superfluous to give any advice about 
etiquette at the seaside, for the holiday 
season is no good at all to us if it does 
not give us a temporary relief from the 
shackles of society. Visiting is practi- 
cally abandoned, and the card-case gets 
a well-deserved rest. And yet it is 
during the holiday time that little ques- 
tions of etiquette are apt to arise, and 
people write many a letter to the Good 
Form column of ladies' papers to know 
how much they may talk to a travelling 
companion, or how they can avoid some 
very undesirable acquaintances at the 
seaside. 

Theosophists tell us that there is a 
power of attraction in hate even stronger 
than that of love, and I have often felt 
that this was true when I have seen my 
own particular bete noir'e seated smilingly 
in the next stall at the theatre, or oc- 
cupying the opposite seat to me at 
table d'hote. The holiday season has 
trials of its own, and if we select the 
least-frequented place in the world, ten 
to one but we find ourselves next door 
to the unloved one — the person whom 
one would run a mile to avoid. " Of 
all men else I had avoided thee," was 
probably written after a seaside visit 
137 



138 ETIQUETTE 

paid under these distressing circum- 
stances. A friend of mine was once 
staying in a tiny village on the sea 
coast when she made the dreadful 
discovery that the next cottage was 
occupied by a family with whom her 
hostess had quarrelled. That visit was 
one of the most dreadful experiences of 
her life. They met the family every 
day. On the pier, at the book-stall, at 
the library, at the station. There were 
three of the tabooed ones — a father, a 
mother, a daughter — and if they did 
not meet one they met the other. My 
friend used to let her hostess pass on in 
advance, and then bow as kindly as she 
could to the other people. But she was 
rather near-sighted, and she lived in 
terror lest she might really cut one of 
the three people by accident, and they 
should think she had done it on pur- 
pose. They were an auburn - haired 
family, which was a great assistance in 
recognising them, but the sight of a red 
head in the immediate foreground used 
to make her feel sick with anxiety. She 
would have whispered a pleasant word 
in passing, but the red-haired lady was 
deaf. 

It is not many people who are called 
on to sustain such a trial as the one I 
have just described, but under any cir- 
cumstances the undesirable acquaintance 
is a far greater trial in the country than 
he can ever be in town. Most people 
have a little outside fringe to their ac- 
quaintance — someone or other whom 
they never wished to know, or whom they 
know already too well. And how trying 



AT THE SEASIDE 139 

it is if they find this particular person 
stationed in their immediate vicinity on 
a holiday, so that they have to run 
against him at every turn. Some people 
give themselves up to despair; they 
feel that fate has been too strong for 
them, and they weakly allow themselves 
to become very friendly with someone 
whom they have always intended to 
ignore as far as possible. But this is 
very unwise. One should not have one 
standard of behaviour for the country 
and another in town. It is very foolish 
to get intimate with people simply be- 
cause they are at hand and one hap- 
pens to be dull. I have known many 
people make an acquaintance during 
the holiday season which they have 
regretted all their lives. 

Sometimes our holiday excursions 
bring us into contact with people whom 
we have always desired to know, or 
whose acquaintance, already made, we 
should very much like to extend. If 
they are above us in social rank, or if 
they happen to be celebrities, we must 
be careful to allow them to make the 
first advance. One needs a little tact 
under these circumstances. One is 
meeting the same people all day and 
every day, and sometimes they may be 
glad of one's company and sometimes 
they may wish to keep to their own 
party. Or again, it may suit them to 
be very pleasant at the seaside but they 
may not wish to add to the list of their 
acquaintances in town. All questions of 
the renewal of the intercourse must pro- 
ceed from the person who is the highest 



1 



140 ETIQUETTE 

in rank. It would not do for the com- 
moner to be the first to ask the lady of 
title for her town address, nor would the 
young musical student offer to call on 
the celebrated singer without invitation. 
The married lady invites the unmarried 
one to call on her, and the elderly single 
lady makes the first advance towards 
the young girl. 

Pleasant acquaintances, as well as 
unpleasant ones, are sometimes made 
when travelling, and the holiday season 
often brings us into contact with de- 
lightful companions whom otherwise 
we might never have met. There is a 
certain amount of license allowed in 
travelling, and it is only under-bred 
people who put on haughty airs and 
look on every stranger as an object of 
suspicion. The man of the world is 
known by his easy and affable behaviour, 
by the way in which he accommo- 
dates himself to any company. It is 
only the outsider who looks at his travel- 
ling companion or hotel neighbour as 
though he were a bitter enemy, only the 
woman who is not sure of herself who 
thinks that her neighbour has evil in- 
tentions if he asks her to pass the salt. 
People who belong to the same world 
are quick to recognise one another, 
and the discovery of a mutual acquaint- 
ance often serves as a pleasant 
link between persons who have met 
by chance. Whether the friendship 
is resumed in after days depends on 
circumstances. The time to suggest 
such a thing would be just before leav- 
ing, when an interchange of cards would 



AT THE SEASIDE 141 

be effected. A person would say, " I 
hope we shall meet in town. Don't 
forget to give me your card before we 
part," or " I hope we shall see some- 
thing of you. I must let you know 
where I am to be found." 



AT A FOREIGN WATERING- 
PLACE 

Very few hints are needed with regard 
to behaviour at an English watering- 
place, but English people are sometimes 
at fault when they pay their first visit to 
a foreign one. The Casino is the centre 
of attraction, and although it is not 
always necessary to be dressy by day 
it is absolutely essential to be smart in 
the evening. The British ideal of a 
holiday resort as a place in which one 
may wear one's oldest clothes finds no 
acceptance abroad ; there are toilettes 
for every occasion, and carefully regu- 
lated amusements for old and young. 
The English evening at the sea, with 
its entire absence of anywhere to go or 
anything to do, would be considered 
the height of dulness by the habitues 
of the tiniest French watering-place ; 
they could not imagine a holiday with- 
out a Casino and a band. Whether 
the ideal corresponds with our own 
notions or not we should endeavour to 
conform with it when we are abroad ; 
we should not tramp about in tailor- 
mades when our lively neighbours are 
disporting themselves in/^/^-dresses, for 
fear we may add a fresh type of fearful 
female to the French novels of the 
future. 

Every place has its own peculiar ways, 
142 



FOREIGN WATERING-PLACE 143 

and we should endeavour to adapt our- 
selves to them during our visit. In 
Dieppe nobody worries about dress in 
the daytime, but everyone is exceed- 
ingly gay at night. At Ostend 
the morning is the dressy time, and 
extraordinary toilettes are to be seen, 
both in the water and beside it. In 
Trouville the dress is chiefly regulated 
by what is going on at the Casino. The 
dresses are beautiful at all times, but 
more elaborate on certain days. People 
are apt to affect a certain carelessness 
in attire in places where they are taking 
a "cure," whilst gaming-tables have a 
tendency to bring out the most brilliant 
toilettes. English visitors have to take 
their courage in both hands at places 
like Monte Carlo, and wear dresses and 
wraps out of doors which they would 
scarcely dare to appear in at the opera if 
they were in England. 

" i^^/^-dress " is a word for which we 
have no English equivalent, but it ex- 
actly expresses the right kind of dress 
for a Casino. It does not want to be 
grand and stately, only to be fresh and 
gay. Foulard is better than broche, and 
muslin than either; there should be the 
prettiest of gloves and shoes, and the 
airiest of chapeaux. The hat must be 
firmly secured if its wearer intends to 
dance, for it is not correct to take off one's 
hat at a Casino. A fan is a necessity, 
whether it is a concert-night or a dance, 
for all gambling-rooms are hot, and a 
ruffle of some kind can be carried over 
the arm, to be slipped on when one 
takes a turn on the terrace. Cloaks and 



1 



144 ETIQUETTE 



umbrellas should be left with an attend- \ 
ant at the door directly one arrives, as i 
nothing looks uglier than to see people | 
walking about at a Casino encumbered j 
with luggage. There are one or two j 
points of etiquette to be remembered in 
connection with "the tables." There ' 
is no harm in standing for a while to j 
watch the players, but one must never j 
sit down at the tables unless one is i 
playing. It is not allowable to take up i 
the space unless one is taking part in ! 
the proceedings. It is better not to 
recognise friends when they are playing, i 
as many people are superstitious, and j 
they think that a word spoils their ] 
" luck." If a lady goes with a party to i 
a Casino it is always better for her ; 
to keep her own ticket for her cloak, ■ 
as otherwise she is not independent. I 
She may want her cloak to go out on \ 
the terrace in, or she may wish to leave ' 
before the men of the party, and if she - 
were to ask them for the ticket whilst ; 
they were playing she might be told 
that the interruption had made them ; 
forget the particular system on which < 
they had decided to play that evening, m 
A lady may cross the room by herself ^ 
at a Casino, but she could not loiter ; 
about alone, or walk on the terrace i 
unaccompanied. ■ 



INDEX 

A 

Adieux, 126 

After-dinner reception, 37 
"Air-balls," 86 
A la Russe, luncheon, 29 

dinner, iz^ 34 

Apologetic entertaining, 93 

hostess, 93 

luncheons, 25 

Arguments for and against mourning, 115 

" Assisting," 73 

"At home" days, 8, 20, 23 

evenings, 89 

Attraction of hate, 137 
Aunt, mourning for, 121 



Bdl blanc, 84 



B 



Book badge, 95 

Bow, 44 

"Bow centre," 39 

Brother, mourning for, 121 

Bridal, 53 

Bride, 51-54, $6, 59 

Bridegroom, 51-54, 58 

Bringing in the New Year, 83 

British ideal, 142 

Buffet, 24, 50, 56, 71, 92, 99 

C 

Cards at a first call, 7 

change of address, 8 

envelopes for, 8 

gentleman's card, 11 

how to take out, 13 

of inquiry, 8 

P.P.C.,9 

G 145 



146 INDEX 

Cards, professional, lo 

turning down the corner, 1 1 

widower's, 1 1 

Card-case, 13, 137 
Card-leaving, 10, 11 
Careless hostess, 14 
Casino, 142, 143, 144 
Champagne, 36, 56 
Child, mourning for, 121 
China wedding, 66 
Christmas parties, 72-77 
Club parties, 110-114 
*' Come and dance," 8 
Consequences, 175 
Cotton wedding, 66 
Cousin's mourning, 121 
Crape, 120 
Crystal wedding, 66 
Cutting the wedding-cake, 58 
at a silver wedding, 62 

D 

Dance, 43 

a first, 43 

dress, 44 

how to accept an invitation to, 46 

how many times to dance with the same 

person, 46 
Dances, 43-46 
Decorations for dinner-table, 38-42 

Christmas party, 74 

juvenile party, 49 

luncheon table, 28 

New Year's Eve party, 79 

restaurant, 107 

supper-table, 100 

white party, 88 

Demi-toilette, 73 
Dessert, 36, 62 
Device party, loi, 105 
Diamonds, 120, 145 
Diamond wedding, 66 
Dinner, 33, 37 

a la Russe, 34 

duties of the host at, 32 

invitations for, 32 

proper ideal for, 32 

time to leave, ■^y 

Dinners, 30, 33 

friendly, 32 

how to leave the table, 37 



INDEX 147 



Dinners, joining the ladies, t,1 

nice or nasty, 30 

Dinner-table, 35, 38 

decorations, 34, 38 

Domino masks, 85 
Dresden china, 41 
Dress at a bdl blajtc, 84 

Christmas party, "jt, 

dance (English), 45 

dance (French), 43 

foreign watering-place, 141 

mourning, 113, 119 

time and thought given to, 117 

white party, 88 

Duchess, 8 

Duke, 54 



Engagements for dancing, 85 \ 

Entertaining at "At home" days, 20 j 

" At home " evenings, 89 .j 

after-dinner receptions, 37 

book-badge parties, 95 i 

— — Christmas parties, 72, 77 ] 

club parties, no j 

dances, 43, 46 ■ | 

device parties, loi ; 

dinners, 30, S7 

garden parties, 68, 71 j 

juvenile parties, 47, 50 ! 

luncheons, 25, 29 ! 

New Year's Eve, 79, 83 ^ 

progressive hearts, 97, 100 j 

progressive whist, 95 ' 

theatre parties, 107, 109 

weddings, 51, 54 

"White party," 84, 88 ^ j 

winter parties, 93, 96 | 

Envelopes for visiting-cards, 8 •; 

Essence of entertaining, the, no j 

Etiquette at a Casino, 144 '1 

"At home" evenings, 89, 92 1 

cards, 7, 9 :' 

card-leaving, 10, 13 

Christmas parties, 72-77 1 

club parties, no- 114 j 

country-house visits, 127- 131 \ 

dances, 43-46 ] 

difference between French and English, 27 1 

dinners, 30-37 ^ 



148 INDEX ' I 

Etiquette, garden parties, 68-71 

in leaving a party, 46 

in young ladies' evening dress, 44 

luncheon -parties, 25-29 

many of the rules fixed, 7, 126 

mourning, 11 5- 122 

of " At home " days, 20, 24 

seaside, 137- 141 

theatre parties, 106-109 

tips, 132-136 

travelling, 123-126 

F 

Fate, 90 

i^^^.? -dress, 143 

First cousin, mourning for, 121 

" First Foot," 82 

" Fisher Maiden," 85 

Floral decorations, 28, 38, 42, 49, 74, 79, 88, 100, 107 

Flowers, 84, 87 

Flower-stalks, 40 

" Flowers and fruit " party, 104 

Forethought, no 

Fortune-telling, 37, 90, 91 

Foulard, 143 

French dress at luncheon-party, 27 

at a dance, 44 

novel, 142 

people, 72 

watering-place, 142 

Friends of bride and bridegroom, 52 
Future, 90 



Games for Christmas parties, 75, ']'] 

New Year's eve, 79, 82 

Garden parties, 68-71 
Garlands, 7^ 80 
Gentleman's card, ii 
Gifts at a cotillon, 87 
Girl at first dance, 43 

ordeal for, 44 

Golden wedding, (i^ 

Grandparents, mourning for, 121 

Gratuities, 133 

Grief, 115 

Groomsmen, 52 

Guests in country-houses, 129 

at dances, 45 

at dinners, 30, 32, 33, ^ 

duty of and to, 15 



INDEX 149 

Guests, introducing, 15 \ 

juvenile, 47 j 

wedding, 52, 54 1 

i 

Half-mourning, 121 I 

Hearts, Progressive, 97 | 

Heroine at a ball, 43 1 

Holiday acquaintance, 139 

Home truths, 82 

Hors-d' ceuvres , 35 

Host, duties of, at dinner, 31-37 

at luncheon, 29 ^ 

at a progressive heart party, 99 

important person, 31 | 

restaurant, 107 \ 

silver wedding, 62, (>i \ 

theatre, 107, 108 ! 

Hostess, attractive, 90 ] 

at dinner, 32, 37 j 

— — duties of, 32 i 

her place, 131 

individuality, 22 

lunch, 26, 27 ■ 

restaurant, 1 07 ' 

silver wedding, 62, 63 i 

theatre party, 108 ' 

wedding, 57 '\ 

House-guests, duty to, 15 \ 

*' How much to give ?" 132 ; 

Husband, mourning for, 120 • 

Husband's relations, mourning for, 121 j 



I 

Ice pudding, 36 
Introductions, 14-19 

at a dance, 15 

at a dinner, 15 

clear articulation necessary, 18 

how to effect them, 18 

on " At home " days, 16 

• to a celebrity, 16 

to a house-guest, 15 

unpardonable error concerning them, 18 

unwelcome ones, 14 

Invitations to "At home " days, 21, 22 

"At home " evenings, 89, 90 

children's parties, 48 

Christmas parties, 73 

club parties, 113 

country house, 127 



150 INDEX 

Invitations, device party loi, 

dinner, 32 

garden parties, 70 

luncheon, 25, 26 

New Year's Eve party, 79 

" Progressive Hearts," 98 

silver wedding, 61, 62 

theatre party, 107 

wedding, 56, 57 

" white party," 84 



Japanese decorations, 41 
Jet, 120 

John Strange Winter, 69 
Joining the ladies, 37 
Joint cards, 10 
Journey, 124 
Justin McCarthy, 19 
Juvenile parties, 47-50 

K 

" Killed in action," 116 
Kind word, 135 
Kitchen, 66 
Knowledge of etiquette, 26 



L 

Ladies' club, 113 

" Lady bachelor," 112 

Liqueurs at lunch, 29 

after dinner, 36 

Lock, widow's, 119 
Luggage, 128 
Luncheon, 25 

apologetic one, 25 

going in to, 28 

Luncheon-party, 25 

dress for guest, 26, 27 

dress for hostess, 27 

— — French etiquette with regard to, 27 

invitation to, 25 

luncheon-table, decorations of, 28 

verbal invitation for, 26 

when the host is at home, 29 

when he is absent, 29 

with an object, 25 



J 

INDEX -151 \ 

M ! 

Making your will, 76 i 

Masks, 85 j 

" Maypole," 86 j 

" Military decorations," 87 1 

Monte Carlo, 143 ! 

Mother of the bride, 51, 58 I 

Mourning, 1 15-122 , 

arguments for and against, 115 . 

brother, 121 | 

cards, 1 1 

child, 121 I 

depressing effect of, 115 ! 

evening dress for widows, 120 

first cousin, 121 

for an aunt, 121 

grandparent, 121 ' 

half, 121 j 

husband, 120 ^ 

husband's relations, 121 j 

nephew, 121 i 

niece, 121 * 

parent, 12 1 i 

periods of, 120, 121 j 

second cousin, 121 

sister, 12 1 i 

stepmother, 121 * 

uncle, 121 " -^ 

widows', 120, 121 j 

Mourning department, 116 i 

N i 

'i 

Near-sighted, 138 j 
Nephew, mourning for, 121 
Nervousness, 19, 136 

New Year, bringing in, 83 ! 

''first foot," 83 ; 

New Year's Eve party, 78-83 

invitation for, 79 

presents at, 80 

Niece, mourning for, 121 ,\ 
Nobody, Mr, 17 

No medium, 117 j 

Not the best moment, 44 | 



Objections to silver weddings, 60, 64 
Olive, 35, 90 
One hand, 96 



152 INDEX 

Only spectators, S8 

Opposite the address, 21 

Oriental bowls, 42 

Ostend, 143 

Outdoor entertaining, 106 

Outrage, 14 

Oysters, 35 



Palmist, 37, 70 

Palmistry, 69 

Pansies, 39 

Parent, mourning for, 121 

Party, animal, 104 

book badge, 95 

celebrities, loi 

china wedding, 66 

Christmas, 72 

club, 1 10 

cotton wedding, 66 

crystal wedding, 66 

device, loi 

diamond wedding, 66 

flowers and fruit, 104 

garden, 6S 

golden wedding, 66 

juvenile, 47 

leather wedding, 66 

men of note, loi 

New Year's Eve, 78 

paper wedding, 66 

pearl wedding, 66 

progressive hearts, 97 

progressive whist, 95 

ruby wedding, 66 

silk wedding, 66 

silver wedding, 66 

tangle, 80 

theatre, 106 

theatrical, loi 

tin wedding, 66 

vegetable, 104 

"white party," 84 

winter, 93 

wooden wedding, 66 

woollen wedding, 66 

Politeness, 33, 125 
Present to the bride, 57 
Presents, New Year's, 80 
Prizes, 99, 103 



INDEX 153 

Procession, 48 
Professional card, 10 
Progressive hearts, 97 
Progressive whist, 95 

Q 

Quarrels, 124, 125, 130 

Questions on etiquette which are frequently asked- 

45, 46, 132, 137 

Twenty, 77 

Queue, 2,7 
Quiet games, 8 1 

R 

Refreshments on an "At home" day, 23, 24 

an "At home " evening, 91 

at Christmas parties, 74 

garden parties, 71 

juvenile parties, 49, 50 

New Year's Eve parties, 80 

wedding teas, 56 

" white party," 84, 88 

Restaurant, 106, 107 

Ruby wedding, 66 

Russia, how hors (Vceuvres are served in, 35 

Rustic stile, 41 



Sable attire, 115 

"Sacks of flour," 86 

Second cousin, mourning for, 121 

Seen off, 126 

Shibboleths, 7 

Shyness, 44, 136 

Shy visitor, 1 13 

Silk and fine linen, 66 

Silver wedding, 60 

Sir Roger de Coverley, 49 

Sister, mourning for, 121 

Sixpenny telegrams, 75, 82 

Sorrows of short sight, 26 

Stepmother, mourning for, 121 

Superior, 16 

Supper, 46, 74, 80, 88 

Supper-table, 74, 80, 88 

Swedish dance, 88 

T 

Table, 32, 34, 36, 40, 48, 74, 80, 91 
Tablecloth, 29 
Tables, 35, 57 



154 INDEX 

Tact, 139 

Tangle party, 88 

Tea, 23, 37, 49, 55, 58, 71, 74, 80, 96 

Tea in a tent, 70 

Tea-room, 48, 58, 84, 96 

Tea-table, 49 

Telegrams, sixpenny, 75, 82 

Theatre parties, 106 

"The tables," etiquette of, 144 

The thought which consoled Damian, 126 

Tin wedding, 66 * 

Tips, 132 , 

Toilette de dijeuner, 27 

Trades, 76 j 

Travelling, 123 '' 

Trinkets, 119 

Trouville, 143 \ 

Turning down the corner, 1 1 \ 

Twenty questions, 77 '\ 

U \ 

Ugly, 144 \ 

Umbrellas, 144 \ 

Unchecked, 33 j 

Uncle, mourning for, 121 \ 

Understood, 20 j 

Unfriendly, 47 ' 

Unpacking, 128 ! 

Unpardonable, 18 ■ 
Unpleasant, 125 

Untruth, 105 1 
Unwelcome, 14 

V \ 

V-shaped, 45 '\ 

Variety, 91 j 

Vegetable party, 104 j 
Ventilation, 125 

"mad," III 

Verbal invitation, 26 j 

Very original, 1 04 1 

Visit, 10, II, 127, 133, 137, 138 ; 
Visiting-card, 7-9, 12, 21 

Visitor, 22, 23, 26, 113, 114, 128, 129, 134, 135, 143 , 

Vulgar, 16 , 



W 



Waiting, 33 
Waltzing, 86 
Watering-place, 142 



INDEX 155 



Wedding buffet, 56 

cake, 56, 58 

ceremony, 53 

cotton, 66 

china, 66 

crystal, 66 

diamond, 66 

etiquette, 51 

golden, 66 

leather, 66 

paper, 66 

pearl, 66 

presents, 57 

ruby, 66 

silk, 66 

silver, 66 

teas, 55-59 

tin, 66 

wooden, 66 

woollen, 66 

Weddings, 51-54 
Well-preserved, 64 
" White party," 84 
Whom to consult, 17 
Widow, 120 
Widow's bonnet, 120 
cap, 119 

dress, 119 

lock, 119 

mourning, 120 

Widower, 11 

William, 83 

Windows, 123 

Wine, 36, 37 

Winter parties, 93 

" Would you mind ? " 126 

Wrong end of stick, 27 

Wrong way, 22 



Yellow marguerites, 38 
York ham, 26 
Youthful, 44 
Young girl, 43, 140 

girls, 133 

ladies' cards, 10, 1 1 

lady, 104, 117 

people, 81, 84, 91, 94 

people's party, 45, 84 

women, 120 



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